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Investigation: Is the COM Building an Actual Academic Building, or Dilapidated Prison?

This week the opening of the BUild Lab, yet another multi-millionaire building with the word “lab” in it, it seems like every building on BU’s campus has been getting some kind of TLC lately. Upgrades include Myles Standish Hall, the Mass Spectrometry Lab (whatever that is), and more recently, the Joan and Edgar Booth Theatre. Heck, even the laundry rooms got an upgrade. But what about the COM building? Of all buildings, this correctional-facility-of-a-college needs a glow up.

Stationed at 640 Commonwealth Ave, the shoddy COM academic building looks older than the Stone Age artifacts that BU students learn about in AR100. But the college’s dated aesthetics aren’t the worst of it all — yes, COM students, or COMrades as they like to call themselves, are stuck in a college that looks like an archaic prison from the outside, but have you seen the interior? It’s overcrowded with wannabe WordPress bloggers. You’ll never find a place to update your LinkedIn profile in the COM lounge, despite this building supposedly housing one of the most reputable communication programs in the nation. The Black Sheep had to get to the bottom of this issue, so let’s jump/pry open the doors and have a look.

The Stairs:
The infamous manual elevator is just one of the daily burdens that COMrades endure to get to their 8 a.m. classes. Despite the building only having three floors and an actual working elevator, the towering flight of steps never seems to stop tormenting its students. The endeavor leaves people hyperventilating like BU freshmen who’ve pregamed too hard before their first Allston Crawl.

Despite students’ plea for access to the functioning elevator to get to their learning cells, higher-ups must constantly deny this request, citing the harrowing contraption as a “good source” of cardiovascular exercise. Don’t try to “cheat” your way to your CM323 class on the second floor. You’ll only find yourself kicked out of COM and reassigned into CGS.

The daily trek up the stairs isn’t COM students’ only struggle. COM often isolates its inmates from the rest of the campus due to the college’s unique “lockdown” policy. The college confines all COM students to a classroom for three, long and brutal hours at a time…and sometimes without heat too. Evidence for being a prison: 1, academic building: 0.

The (lack of) heating: 

With ice on the windows and no consistent heat source, we found it incredibly difficult to focus on some adjunct professor’s lecture on how to write a press release. The lesson learned from that class was that the frosty conditions will have you taking a trip to Student Health Services to receive medical treatment for your frozen balls. Hopefully Aetna covers for that. Prison: 2, Academic Building: 0.

The Basement: 

Next we ventured to the basement of COM. We discovered a collection of cans of paint and other construction supplies under the stairwell. Is President Brown secretly giving the esteemed slammer an upgrade under the noses of all the salty COMrades all along?

Wrong. Upon further investigation, The Black Sheep found the souls of thousands of COMrades stuffed into these distasteful-looking cans. The lifeless spiritual beings were seen complaining about their COM 101 woes and pounding a myriad of shots to cope with being trapped in this depressed, misunderstood college. Slathering a fresh coat of paint onto this ancient building’s walls probably won’t be on BU’s agenda for a while. Prison/Azkaban: 3, Academic Building: 0

Lockers????:

When asked about the future of the COM building, President Brown declined to comment. We can only assume that if the president plans to do anything with the prehistoric prison, then he has locked it away in the basement lockers.

We tried to open up one of the metal compartments, but it was sealed shut with COMstructive adhesive. It looks like BU is using those supplies under the COM staircase after all. We didn’t stop there, though. One routine maintenance request to BU Facilities Management and Planning later, we found even more COMrades’ souls locked away. Each individual had a tag with the letters “CGS” on them. Take the elevator at your own risk. Prison: 3, Academic Building/High school: 1.

Happy souls of yesteryear trapped in history:

Amidst the cries of now ex-COMrades complaining about Capstone, we stumbled upon something quite triggering across from the lockers: a picture of kids getting turnt during happy hour. We can only imagine COMrades spitting bars with the boys at T’s Pub, but no. They’re behind bars trying to spit up some cash for LinkedIn Premium (screw Handshake).

A sense of bitterness has clearly engulfed COM as President Brown continues to leave this college in the dust. However, The Black Sheep has found that the BUild Lab can “find funding sources,” potentially offsetting the cost of renovations. Until then, the prisoners of COM can take their minds off of the matter by creating self-deprecating memes for the BU meme group. They can use the free Adobe software that BU has finally decided to give its students.

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