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Last Functioning Elevator in Warren Towers Tired of Being Puked In

WARREN TOWERS — Elevator 3, serving the residents of Marshall “B” Tower, has reported that it is “tired of freshmen and their fucking bullshit,” after nauseous residents threw up all over its floor seven times throughout this past weekend, setting a new record among elevators in Warren Towers.

“Do you know how many flights of stairs these freshmen would have to climb if I wasn’t here to help them out?” said Elevator 3 in frustration. “Whether they live on the 5th floor or on the 18th floor, I carry them up every time, no questions asked. I mean, I definitely hardcore judge the freshmen who I take up one or two floors, but at least I still do it. Is it really that hard to just stand there for thirty seconds without barfing everywhere? You made it all the way back from Allston without getting sick. My slow ass doesn’t even move fast enough to cause motion sickness.”

When asked if it has any sympathy for the freshmen who get sick, Elevator 3 laughed derisively.

“No. Not at all. These kids are either drunk off two cans of Miller Lite or taking their first whiff of Everclear. There’s no in-between, and both types of freshmen are idiots. Actually, I’m surprised they even manage to swipe in past the security guards without falling to the floor.”

Elevator 1, serving the residents of Marshall Tower, reported being less fazed by freshmen’s antics.

“Elevator 3 is new to the game,” explained Elevator 1. “The old Elevator 3 broke down 427 times last year—yes, I kept count—so maintenance came in and did some upgrades, and voila, a new Elevator 3 is born. The only problem is that it’s not used to freshmen throwing up in it. At least not yet. Freshmen have been puking in me for so long that at this point I just accept it and move on with my life. Actually, I decide to break down an extra one or two times every week just so I don’t have to deal with barfing freshmen for a little bit.”

“Seven times is a new record!” exclaimed Elevator 2 of Marshall Tower when briefed on the situation. “Elevator 3 of C Tower held the record before with four or five times. I don’t remember. But man, the new guy is really settling in around here. If it just looks at the whole shebang like it’s a contest, then maybe it’ll feel a little better about freshmen tossing their cookies inside of it every weekend.”

Elevator 3 is reportedly not looking forward to the upcoming weekend; Columbus Day weekend adds more potential chances for nauseated residents to make its life worse than usual.

“I don’t know how the other elevators do it,” sighed Elevator 3. “What coping skills have they developed to make it through every weekend without wanting to have a permanent breakdown? And if it’s only October and I’m suffering this much, then I have no idea how I’m going to handle Marathon Monday.”

Speaking of freshmen, have you seen all the Naruto Runs happening? 

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