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The 6 Best Machines to Use While Pretending to Exercise at FitRec

If there’s one thing BU students can agree on, it’s that FitRec is really nice. Like, really, really, REALLY nice. Like “OH MY GAWD I GOTTA GO HERE THEY HAVE A CLIMBING WALL” nice. It’s one of the few campus facilities that actually lives up to this school’s savings-draining tuition. 

Still, the choice between your mental health and physical health is a difficult balance to find. What if you were able to fulfill your daily obligations while STILL going to FitRec? With the help of its cushy exercise equipment, you’ll be able to accomplish everything you need while still making it seem like you “pumped some iron.”  Here are our six favorite machines to exercise your non-exercising muscles:

6.) Prone Leg Curl: 

On the second floor of FitRec, this lanky hunk of a machine is the perfect place to chill out for an hour or two. Supposedly it’s used for leg lifts, but you wouldn’t know. Think of it as your very own pool lounger! From watching Super Bowl highlights to sending that risky Tinder message, this machine is the ideal spot to pull out that cellular device and scroll away in style. Also, let’s not discount the machine’s more than ideal location. It gives you a breathtaking view of the petty fools who are actually exerting themselves. That is, if you even want to look up from your phone. Let the text neck commence!

5.) Leg Press:

After a good time cruising the Interwebs, you might feel a need to make some connections that count. But leg day ain’t done yet! Climb into that Leg Press machine, drape those legs over the foot-pusher thingy, and proceed to call up whoever is near and dear to your heart. There’s no better spot to hear from your Mom about how your Aunt’s new kugel recipe was under-seasoned. Just think about the optimal blood flow you’re getting to your lower extremities! Plus, if the conversation begins concerning your grades, diet, or debit card usage, you can always pretend to not listen while looking at a group of shirtless dudes haplessly attempting three pointers on the basketball court. Hard to beat!

3.) Bench Press:

After back-to-back machines that “really worked your lower half,” it’s time for an upper body workout alternative. Look no further than the Bench Press. It presents an ideal opportunity to lay on your back and ask big questions about life. How did narwhals evolve to become narwhals? How many correct pronunciations exist of the word “foyer?” Did Greedo or Han shoot first? Why can’t I stop eating canned hearts of palm? You know, the stuff on all of our minds. You may not find too many answers from the rusty metal bar that hangs above you, but maybe that’s the metaphor that we all need to grasp these days. Philosophize away!

4.) Stairmaster:

George Washington once said, “Too much thinking is overrated af, yo. Makes ur brain all fuzzy.” After a long existential pondering session on the bench, it’s time for some cardio! And by cardio, we mean a great place to pose for your next Instagram post that shows everyone how committed you are to your body. The Stairmaster offers a perfect spot to do so. It gives you a place to sit comfortably and providing a level of cred to match your immense amounts of faux swagger. We recommend a face that says “HEY. DON’T MESS WITH ME. MY FLEX GAME IS ON FLEEK AND I DRIP WITH BOUNDLESS SWAG.” Add three filters, 16 generic hashtags, and…HA! There. That’ll stop anyone from saying you can’t do seven pushups again…even if it’s still true…

3.) Seated Row:

For all you bookworms out there needing to choose between exercise and that extra hour of studying, you needn’t fret any longer. Due to its sleek downward design and angled seat cushions, this beautiful piece of equipment gives you a natural tabletop to get all your work done. Laptops to labwork, textbooks to tabloids, this machine gives you the workspace to read what you need without having to spend a cent at IKEA or a soul-sucking hour in Mugar’s stacks. Plus, nobody knows what the hell a seated row is, so it’s almost always open. Happy studying!

1.) Outer Thigh:

Finally, sleep. All beings need it. But we who are of the species Overworkedus Studentus need it most. Naps are essential to student survival, and unfortunately, most dorm mattresses are more uncomfortable than a birds-and-the-bees talk with your parents. Fortunately, the outer thigh machine at FitRec offers a comfier alternative to getting the sleep you so desire. Just take a seat, adjust the leg spread to its max width, and begin counting sheep. Despite how it may look, the leg spreading gives a sense of serenity that makes you feel like you’re dozing at the Ritz Carlton. And who doesn’t like a nice pelvic stretch, anyways? Sweet dreams!

Now that you’ve got the 411 on the best inactivity routine, it’s time to try it for yourself. Lace up those running shoes, fill up that water bottle, skip on over to FitRec and proceed to not do a damn thing. What feeling is better?

 

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