Every time the alert text gives a winter storm warning, my insides start trembling like a hang glider smothered in jet fuel, and trust me, it’s not pretty. That means that I have to make the ultimate decision: deprive myself of a relaxing day at home counting my stacks of cash by leaving campus open OR do I allow debauchery to ensue up and down Comm Ave in return for not having step foot on that forsaken campus?
It’s not that I don’t want you hooligans to have fun, honestly, I could care less about any of you as long as you’re paying tuition and my salary. It’s just the fun that y’all choose to have happens to negatively correlate with my peace and quiet. As for you COMM majors who don’t even know what a correlation is, let me spell it out for you: Cut the shit and stop getting drunk on my campus.
It’s like this entire campus is against me. I’m out here trying to keep you ungrateful little fuckers safe from slipping and sliding down hills and how am I repaid? With Terriers deciding to have a pop-up TITS, as if Mondays are made for anything other than hitting the books. With some jabroni on West Campus deciding to throw a damn snow party on Wednesday. OHhHh I’m sure you’re alllll will willingly strap on boots and trek all the way there. Ohh pooor me, you all tweet when I don’t cancel class, my safety! How am I supposed to get to class!? Then I do smash that cancel class button and all of a sudden people can muster up the courage to trek to T’s. Hmmmm.
Let’s not forget the frats, which somehow continue to prosper, use this excuse to invite hordes of females into their dingy basements that look one termite away from collapsing in on themselves. You know what? I hope they do. I hope the snow collapses every last goddamn frat on this campus, it’d be a BIG weight off my shoulders.
Take it from Boozin’ Bobby himself, your livers need to recover from last week. Some of y’all have to have at least half a brain, put it to some use. You should be taking this week to detox and rid yourself of the toxins and maybe a few alcohol induced pounds instead of adding onto it. With my pleasure to fall on deaf ears, just be careful when you drink. The last thing I need is the good name of my university being tarnished by a stumbling idiot who’s plastered on a Monday night getting stuck in 18 inches of Boston snow.
Anyways, enjoy your (sober) day off!
VINE POWER HOUR: