Boston is a diverse city, full of people of all stars and stripes, but no matter what our background we all have one thing in common: we miss the B Line. While grateful for the extra time spent outside zigzagging across Commonwealth Ave., it would be great if the MBTA could step their game up by making a few adjustments to the Peter Pan shuttles they’ve provided as a Band-Aid in the meantime.
5.) Take away the fabric seating:
When you ride the T in the summer and are able to snag a seat, you’re taking the gamble of willingly placing yourself in another person’s sweat puddle. With fabric seats, dear Lord, you’ve guaranteed it. There’s nothing like squeezing in next to an aggressively-manspreading dude and realizing the entire seat is… moist. With plastic seats, you won’t have to worry about someone else’s butt residue on yourself all day.
4.) Add a back door:
Part of the fun of the T is it lets Bostonians everywhere pull the aggressive elbows-out move, rushing through all entrances trying to get a spot even though the train is jam-packed. Yeah, you may get a dirty look from an old lady, but if your every-man-for-himself attitude prevents you from being wedged in the doors, it’s worth it. The shuttles keep you, and the other MBTA patrons, from reaching your angry, packed like sardines potential by forcing you to calmly enter through one door, and that’s a damn shame.
3.) Complimentary snacks and water:
This way, you can feel the same unbridled joy you get when your Uber offers you candy when you’re drunk. The guy next to you could sneeze directly into your open mouth but as long as you’re clutching your free bag of Cool Ranch Doritos things will seem alright. Snacks make everything better, and that includes a shuttle ride that moves the same speed as Gary the snail does when he’s put in that weird snail race.
2.) Take a detour:
Never mind your destination, reroute every shuttle to D.C. so passengers can relive their awkward 8th-grade field trip. Buy a fanny pack from Spencer’s Gifts and fill it with a knockoff pair of those neon slotted aviator glasses Kanye had and a Playboy Bunny phone charm you hid from your mom that you thought was SO edgy. Class and work are unimportant, go see the monuments.
1.) Slap on some sirens:
Stop lights should be a thing of the past when concerning the MBTA since, apparently, they like to play God when it comes to people’s commutes. The T has some pointless stops, AKA the 20 feet separating BU West, BU Central, and BU East. But hitting every single red light on the way from the Babcock St. to Blandford St. has the same distinct feeling as when you’re about to win Uno and some schmuck puts down a +4. You know it’s an overreaction, but the frustration is real. A siren would help you tear through traffic and keep your blood pressure under control.
So, if you’re an MBTA worker, feel free to pitch these to the higher ups. If you’re not, feel free to bombard all MBTA workers you see with these ideas. That’s how progress is made, folks. Do your part.
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