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Please Read This Because I Am A White Girl

Hello. I am a white girl, and I wrote this article. I just shared it in Facebook and then all my sorority sisters shared it too, with captions like “Soooo proud of my baby” and “My sister is doing amazingggg things!” I am going to try and encapsulate ideas and opinions and beliefs that redefine the definition of ignorance, because I believe that I deserve attention. White girls are the most under appreciated category in the world.


First, let me tell you a little bit about myself. My hair is blonde. Even though I look like a brunette, I am telling you – my hair is blonde. Brunettes are only an illusion, enforced by Big Brother. Additionally, I do not poop. In fact, I don’t even have an asshole. My scent is an overwhelming aroma of vanilla and coconut, with just a hint of lavender. I cannot stress that hint enough. I like chevron patterns, Nutella, and gay men. I write for a very prominent online content platform called The Iliad. You may think all Iliad articles are just fleeting thoughts of idiocy, but I actually wrote all of those idiotic thoughts into enough shitty paragraphs to call it an article. Also, my boyfriend’s hair smells really good.


I really fucking like Lilly Pulitzer. Girls who wear Lilly are proven to be happier in life. We live in the denial of reality and the overall sense that life is handed to you on a silver platter. Because who are we kidding, life is handed to us. And the platter isn’t silver. It’s gold.


It’s hard to not to acknowledge how easily and masterfully I have tricked the world into giving me attention. I have somehow disguised my thoughts, feelings, and opinions and snuck them into your brains. But here’s the thing: I NEED YOU TO LISTEN TO ME. I NEED ATTENTION. I NEED LOVE. I solely rely on you to fulfill me. Because if I don’t receive this attention, then I am afraid the worst will happen — like I will become a real person, not just an enigma. I might start pooping. I might actually grow an asshole. I might have to ride the subway. And these things I just cannot do. I refuse to recognize myself as a *flawed* human being. White girls don’t have flaws.


So, please, I’m begging you, keep listening to me. Make sure to look out for other Iliad articles online. We Iliad writers pose some serious, thought provoking work, such as “Why Christians Should Be Involved In Politics” and “Ten Middle School Trends that Should Totally Come Back”. I’ll ask questions like, “Fro Yo or Ice Cream?” and make statements like “I’m Not Racist for Not Supporting Black Lives Matter” (I am). I will make you re-think whether or not women should actually have the right to vote.


And thanks again, reader, poor peasant who can’t formulate opinions as informed or significant as my own, for reading this. Be on the look out for my next article, “How Drinking Pina Coladas Can Improve Your Social Life and Your Colon.” It should be a goodie.


And please, please keep listening. My hair might turn brown if you don’t.


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