Eight score and nineteen years ago, our collegiate forefathers brought forth on this continent a brand new university. It was a university conceived in scarlet and white and dedicated to the proposition that all Terriers are created equal. However, lately we have engaged in a brutal educational war taking place between the main grounds of Boston University—East, West, and Central campus—and the medical campus, which for some reason lies more than a mile south of everything else. At the root of this brutal educational war lies the question: should we allow South Campus to leave the union? Is it possible that we can let go of this vitally important foundation of our school? Can it survive on its own? Let’s break down the arguments:
Point: How much will this university really suffer if South Campus secedes? We’re talking about a campus whose entire economy consists of soiled lab coats, dirty needles, and roaches trading food crumbs with each other.
Counterpoint: First of all, the med campus deserves no less respect than any other part of our school. East, West, Central, South—like the term “Questrom snake,” they’re all just labels that we’ve invented to discriminate against each other and spread hate and injustice.
Point: I don’t think the greater BU community is going to suffer if a few hillbilly doctors’ interns go their separate way. The “benefits” that BU reaps from South Campus are an exponentially higher lameness rate, a thriving student body of rats and cockroaches, weekly Chipotle fundraising events, and pre-med students’ GoFundMe campaigns for “health awareness” trips to Central America. Honestly, the place has more hospitals than classrooms, just let it go.
Counterpoint: How dare you? The world’s three most important professions are doctors, teachers, and police/firefighters. All three of those professions are heavily present on the med campus. There are plenty of future doctors, nurses, surgeons, and hospital janitors, lots of professors to teach them their craft, and a myriad of police officers working tirelessly day and night to keep BU alerts about stabbings in the area down to four or five a week.
Point: But do we really need all our future doctors, nurses, and surgeons.? Student Health Services remains readily available at a moment’s notice. Why, just yesterday I hopped on down to their office to have my bruised thumb checked out. Who needs medical professionals? An SHS visit a day keeps the pre-med plebs away. I say good riddance! Begone, South Campus.
Counterpoint: Abraham Lincoln once said that an abhorrently expensive university divided cannot stand. There’s no reason for us to part with our med campus any more than there’s reason for any of our sections to break off from the rest. As Abraham Lincoln also once said: all this talk about the dissolution of BU is humbug, nothing but folly. We won’t dissolve BU, and you shan’t. Oh, and by the way, you have a better chance of getting a free textbook from the BU Barnes and Noble than you do of getting quality healthcare service at SHS.
Whatever conclusion you draw, let us all hope together that the brave students on each side shall not have endured midterms in vain—that this university, under Rhett, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the students, by President Brown, for President Brown, shall not perish from the earth. Students: stay strong, stay healthy, and stay Rhetty.
VINE POWER HOUR!!!