CENTRAL CAMPUS—As tour groups start to make their rounds on campus once again, Boston University tour guides find themselves trying to field increasingly difficult but oft-repeated questions about BU student life. One such tour guide reported that during her most recent campus tour she successfully deflected an astounding total of 37 questions about whether or not grade deflation actually exists at BU. Her experience set a new record among admissions ambassadors.
“It’s a new record for me, honestly,” said senior Amy Johnson. She has worked as a tour guide since her sophomore year. “Normally I only get six or seven questions about it before parents realize that someone else asked the same f***ing question five minutes earlier and stop asking it. But every group is different. And man, was this one different. All of the prospective fresh meat—sorry, prospective freshmen—seemed insanely worried about it.”
When asked about how she deflects, Johnson went into great detail about what she calls her “foolproof system.”
“For questions about grade deflation, my answer is the short and sweet ‘everyone works really hard here!’ Then I crack a joke about the shitty weather and how it’s way too cold outside to be touring campus. It succeeds 99% of the time. People laugh and then forget about their question because their attention spans are short. Asking if I’m about to run into anyone because I’m walking backward also works.”
Johnson’s fellow tour guide, junior John Taylor, confirmed that deflection is considered an art among admissions ambassadors. He stressed that it is crucial to hone your craft early on in order to half-ass telling the truth as skillfully as possible.
“As a biomedical engineering major, grade deflation has been eating me alive since day one. But of course I don’t let prospective students know that. It’s best for them to remain innocent for as long as possible,” said Taylor. “One time I got the grade deflation question and joked that it gives BU students a unique sense of camaraderie that you can’t find anywhere else. Then I launched into a spiel about how STEM majors always help each other out. Which is partially true. Suffering together is the key to surviving BU.”
“Sometimes John and I compete to see who can deflect the most hard-to-answer questions on a particularly packed day of touring,” said Johnson. “It turns out that I’m better at bullshitting about grade deflation, while he’s good at responding to concerns about BU’s inhumanely high tuition rate. We all have our different strengths.”
Johnson is looking forward to her next round of campus tours, as she wants to beat her record.
“Every year, high school seniors seem more competitive about getting into and succeeding at a top college,” said Johnson. “That means more opportunities for me to practice my deflection skills. It’s helping with my job interviews, that’s for sure.”