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5 Things Rhett the Terrier Would Do if Elected President of the U.S.

In this election season, it can be hard not to get caught up in all of the buzz about “Nasty Women” and “Bad Hombres.” We sat and stayed with Rhett the Terrier to catch up over coffee, discuss his recently launched a massive write-in campaign, and investigate… What would Rhett do if elected president of the United States of America? 

5.) Change the national colors to scarlet and white:
According to an extremely caffeinated Rhett, “BLUE IS FOR THE WEAK. SCARLET FOREVER.” He then proceeded to rant about the fact that blood may be blue on the inside, but we all “bleed the red of 177 years of excellence” during the terrors of finals week.

4.) Deflate national debt:
A common tactic at BU is to encourage students to work extremely hard to achieve good grades, then give them one grade lower than they should otherwise receive. Rhett plans to apply this technique to national debt by allowing it escalate tremendously under the foolish economic strategies of a literal dog, but then publicly announcing that it is at least one trillion dollars less than the evidence suggests. Unlike grade deflation, debt deflation will instill a false sense of security amongst Americans despite the fact that they are being governed by a plush terrier costume.

3.) Introduce sweating tax:
Rhett understands that global warming is real, and people are going to be sweating a heck of a lot more over the next several years. This motion would charge all Americans for each drop of sweat produced, and would enforce indoor temperatures at least as high as those of Warren Towers. Rhett is also very salty about the fact that he, as a dog, cannot sweat, saying “I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE WITH YOUR HUMAN GLANDS BUT A TONGUE IS NOT. ENOUGH.” At this point in the interview, The Black Sheep staff really started to wonder why a terrier was offered a triple shot redeye.

2.) Make hockey the one and only national sport:
Unlike many other proposed laws from Rhett the Terrier, this one was accompanied by no explanation other than excited yapping and exuberant dancing. Such behavior cased Rhett to be banned from the Starbucks at 700 Commonwealth Avenue where the interview was taking place, despite his insistence that he was a service animal by “PROVIDING THE SERVICE OF PEP AND POWER TO ALL. HOCKEYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 

1.) Remove eagles from the endangered species list and hunt them down to assert dominance:
As the fundamental foundation of Rhett’s platform, all eagles shall be eliminated by any and all means from the United States of America in a campaign to assert dominance over longtime enemy, Baldwin the Eagle of Chestnut Hill, MA. When asked about the ecological impacts of the initiative, Rhett repeatedly growled and threatened to bite innocent feathered staff writer Regina Chickens.

As litigation is currently pending in the FBI investigation of Rhett’s behavior towards Ms. Chickens, all Rhett for President will be postponed until further notice. 

 

Is shacking the new one night stand? Or an entirely different beast?

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