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REPORT: Slow Walker Causing Massive Traffic Jam on Comm Ave

COMMONWEALTH AVENUE— A reported five-person pileup has stalled foot traffic on Commonwealth Avenue due to the slow walking of a slow walker. The incident occurred at 9:45 a.m. on Thursday, September 21st, when Boston University senior Jessica McKenna swerved into oncoming foot traffic while attempting to pass freshman Terry Martinez in front of the George Student Union.

McKenna reportedly collided with sophomore Brett Aldridge, who spun out of control, resulting in a head-on crash with several other freshmen present at the scene.

“It’s not my fault,” McKenna said with frustration, buried underneath a pile of students. “He was moving so slow. Like, I could feel myself aging. That’s how slow this kid was walking.”

Witnesses at the scene reported that Martinez was, in fact, texting while moving below the recommended 4 mph walking speed.

“I have Terry in a 9 a.m. lecture, and that kid is always late. He’s the worst, said Professor Garry Marshall, who mentioned witnessing Terry walk into street signs on Comm Ave due to not looking up from his phone. “I don’t blame Jessica for trying to pass him. It just happened to be right at the peak hours for switching classes. She got unlucky. Did I mention how much I hate Terry?” 

“So what?” said Martinez, momentarily glancing away from his friends’ meme groupchat. “I’m a slow walker. Big whoop. I’m in no rush. I don’t have anywhere important to be. Who cares?”

“WE CARE!” screamed the pile of entangled students, furiously struggling to get out from under each other.

The pile of students has caused massive delays in East Campus bound traffic, and is expected to piss literally everyone on campus off. Check back here for updates. 

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