You’re strutting your stuff down Comm Ave, ready to take on the day, baby. You’ve never felt better. You’re on your way to COM 101, which is taking place in the School of Law auditorium for some reason, even though there’s an auditorium in the COM building that’s labeled “COM 101.” But honestly, you couldn’t care less at the moment. You’re revved up and ready to learn how to communicate.
Then you make a right into Marsh Plaza. It’s the way you always take to get to the School of Law auditorium. Normally this would be just fine. But today, you’re one with your Beats Bluetooth Headphones® as Fleet Foxes’ latest album makes sweet, sweet love to your eardrums and that’s when it happens: your dumb ass steps right onto that Marsh Plaza seal.
OH SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK DO WE (your brain doesn’t consider you and it to be the same being; I’m a philosophy major, deal with it) DO NOW?
Step One — Burn your shoes:
What does a murderer do after killing someone illegally? Get rid of the evidence. By doing this, you can maintain that slightest sliver of hope that BU’s based god won’t have proof of your sin. Just remember to take off the shoes before you burn them.
Step Two — Eat your, wait. You listen to Fleet Foxes. You’re not wearing shoes:
You’re clearly an unapologetic hipster. Meaning you insist on going everywhere barefoot, because you’re #WickedWoke and are protesting the wage gap (between BU students and President Brown). Alright, well, since burning shoes won’t do the trick, you’ll have to cut off your feet. Sorry, that’s just the way this has to go.
Step Three — Rent a helicopter and fly to all your classes:
This should be the simplest step. All you have to do is call up your mom/dad/other legal guardian, the CEO of Somecranecompany Enterprises, and have them send you over a choppah. Then you can fudoo-fudoo-fudoo your way to all your classes and won’t have to worry about your dumb ass stepping on the seal again. And no, you don’t need to bother with getting a pilot’s license. You just stepped on the motherfucking MARSH PLAZA SEAL. Legality should mean nothing to you at this point.
Step Four — Stop bitching about BU’s tuition:
First of all, your mom/dad/other legal guardian is the CEO of Somecranecompany Enterprises. Stop acting as if you’re paying a single cent for your education. But more importantly, you’re not going to be paying tuition anymore. You just stepped on the motherfucking MARSH PLAZA SEAL. Your time at BU is ovah. Your mom/dad/other legal guardian won’t be having to donate one percent of their annual paycheck to your education anymore.
Step Five — Drop out and become a janitor at M.I.T.:
Wait. None of this matters at all. You just stepped on the motherfucking MARSH PLAZA SEAL. You’re doomed, done, dusted, wrapped in a bow. You ain’t graduating, fool, so you might as well go out on your own terms. Drop out of BU, and go get hired to sweep MIT’s sacred halls. At least over there you might have a chance to be the next Will Hunting.
So that’s that, guess we won’t be seeing you on campus no more. Think of all the stress you could have avoided if you’d just kept Fleet Foxes out of your brain’s bed. Whatever. We wish you well in your future endeavors. Oh and by the way, we’re sorry to tell you this, but as a result of your dumb ass stepping on the seal, your readership privileges for The Black Sheep are hereby revoked and you will no longer have access to our articles. To appeal your decision, please visit www.ihateresponsibility.com.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: