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Where the F*** is The Snow, Boston?!?

Thanksgiving is over, and it’s officially the holiday season. The season of a marshmallow world in the winter, where the snow comes tumbling down, the season of weather outside so frightful, and the season of winter wonderlands. Everyone knows this, except for Boston. In yet another investigative endeavor, we dared to ask: Where the FLIPPITY FLAPJACK IS THE SNOW?!?!!

“We’re secretly hiding it in the mouth of a gargoyle.” 

-The Boston College Eagle

We don’t even know what we bothered asking this guy, since BC isn’t even in Boston, so HOW WOULD HE KNOW??? Our theory is that Chestnut Hill is currently harboring snow underground just to taunt us. 

“Until all undergraduate fees have been paid for the second semester, no snow shall fall within a thirty mile radius of BU Central. The recent sprinkling of snow on November 20th was due to a system failure, which has since been repaired.”

-Boston University Office of the Registrar

At this point, they might as well add a “snow waiting fee” to recent charges. Sadly, they won’t accept the dining points we definitely don’t have as a form of payment. 

“After the Snowpocalypse of 2014 and the transit delays it caused, we have worked hand in hand with the weather gods to ensure limited precipitation can keep the T running on schedule.”

-Charlie, the cartoon man on your Charliecard

It should be noted that the T is still delayed anyways, but now, instead of blaming the weather, you can lie awake at night trying to come up with any number of unfathomable mystery reasons why the B line trains were 20 minutes apart when you were running late. 

“Well, snow looks like mashed potatoes, and you already devoured those. Now, you’re going to eat me, so maybe you already consumed the snow with your sharp teeth you SADIST!!!”

-My impassioned turkey leftovers

The poor little giblets didn’t take the flight home well, so Mr. Gobble Gobble is feeling a little cranky this morning. Sounds like somebody has a gravy hangover, and it’s probably not us. 

“Woof.”

-Rhett the Terrier

Rhett is miraculously still riding off of a long Thanksgiving buzz and thought that this was absolutely hilarious. 177 year-old terriers have terrible metabolisms, and even worse senses of humor when drunk. 

“We’re in a drought. Shut up.”

California

California still won’t let anyone live this down, and thrives on seeing other states and cities feel #weak for whining about limited precipitation. Try taking a long shower after thinking about that. We bet you savored it, you anti-avocado Bostonian. 

Until the snow comes, you can always stand in the cotton ball section at CVS to feel like you’re surrounded in white fluff. We are not responsible for any charges or citations incurred in an attempt to make aisle 7 feel like a winter wonderland in this sad time of 40-degree bleakness. 

 

Ever curious why your stomach is a mess after a night of drinking? Wonder no more: 

 

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