5/5 BU students agree that living in Warren Towers is no way to live. You cry at the one square foot of space left available to you after situating your bed, desk, and wardrobe. You scream for mommy at the mold-infested common bathroom littered with pubic hair and used Band-Aids. And when you’re done with all that, consider this: How many unsuspecting freshmen are out there just waiting to be conned into a direct housing swap? Let’s find out.
Step 1: Tell the truth—selectively:
You gotta make everything sound attractive to this here freshy, and the easiest way to do that is to tell the truth— in a selective fashion. A common bathroom is no prize, but you can easily make it sound like one. A claim such as “you get your own bathroom!” is perfectly valid, because after all, you do get your own bathroom…to be shared with sixty other people.
Step 2: Employ subjectivity to your advantage:
The naïve little shit your dealing with has been a BU student for less than a month. They have no idea about what’s good and bad on campus, use this to your advantage. Tell them, “Warren literally has the best dining hall on campus.” Technically this isn’t a lie. After all, there are like 11 people out there who swear by Warren dining.
Step 3: Manipulate your target’s emotions:
Remember you learned how to interview someone, and your teacher told you to avoid asking “leading” questions? Forget that, lead away. “You must feel really isolated living in a single in Myles” or “that walk every morning from Kilachand to the Bay State Dining Hall is brutal” both work perfectly. Through the powers of strong implication, you can inspire your target to doubt, fear, and loathe where they live, leaving them begging for a swap. Bringing in personal jabs is also encouraged, like: “do you really think your parents are proud to have a son living in StuVi 2?”
Step 4: Offer bribes if needed:
Sometimes the barely-legal fresh meat you’re dealing with just needs “a little push,” and that’s when you offer them your leftover Chem 101 book for free, or throw in a $100 Chipotle gift card. If you’re really desperate agree to subscribe to their reactions channel on YouTube. Seems like that appeases a lot of the youths these days.
Step 5: Use force if necessary:
Blackmail tends to be the most effective method here. Our studies have shown that threats such as putting your target’s name down for every single club’s email list at Splash, or photoshopping their face onto the body of a BC student posing with Baldwin the Eagle both yield high success rates. Planting candles in said target’s dorm room can also be a useful means for persuasion.
So, did this guide get you the housing swap you desired? You can email your praise to wewillsellyourinformationtotheRussians@blacksheep.bu.edu. Have a blessed day.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.