Ahh, it’s that wonderful time of year where the smell of Mod Podge fills the air. Resident Directors are freaking from the harmful fumes filling the halls as girls slave away in this silent competition for the most epic cooler. Here are the 10 steps that need to be done to have the best cooler. May the best girl win.
Step 1: Buy the expensive one.
Yes we know it’s ridiculous to spend $40.00 on a cooler that’s most likely going to get destroyed on the ride there… but you can’t put a price on love compassion whatever this tradition is for.
Step 2: Get all the necessary supplies.
You just need some paint and a brush, right? WRONG YOU IDIOT! You need a sander — the bigger one that looks like an eraser, as just sheets will cramp your hand into a little gargoyle claw until formal is over. Other supplies include: sponge brushes, all of the paint colors, and most importantly, sealer and primer. So much sealer and primer. Top tip: use Mod Podge as sealer. You’re welcome.
Step 3: Get inspiration from Pinterest.
This is the best place to get the inspiration from. And by inspiration, we mean just steal ideas straight from here. Beer logos, clever sayings ranging from “Red, White and Booze,” or “Life is Frat,” and other cutsie knick knacks you can paste on there for your date to totally ignore as he reaches for a Keystone to shotgun.
Step 4: Sand it first.
Before even thinking about opening that paint, sand the cooler. This is time consuming and super annoying, but it makes the cooler oh so smooth. The sander is like the razor for a cooler; it creates such a silky smooth canvas on which you’ll create your masterpiece.
Step 5: Prime it.
After you break all of your fingers sanding it, prime it. It’s very simple step and very necessary, or that cooler will be chipping the whole week. And everyone knows if your cooler starts to chip you will be banished to the fiery depths of formal hell. So do yourself a favor and prime it up.
Step 6: Choose your themes.
The top should have the lucky guy’s name, but the rest of the sides should be themed with all that crap you skinned from Pinterest. Plana which alcohol references will go where, as well as the sporting logos such as the Michigan baseballs or Cardinals footballers… wait that’s backwards, but you get the idea.
Step 7: Mod Podge on the Pics.
Print the pictures out and Mod Podge them on the cooler. No one expects you to be able to draw a Jack Daniels bottle free hand — Picasso probs would’ve done the same for his cooler.
Step 8: Pencil first.
When you’re ready to write on the cooler do NOT start by painting the letters. Trace it out with pencil first. Jack doesn’t want a cooler that says “Dave” because you got distracted and couldn’t remember who you said yes to.
Step 9: Seal that shit.
This is the most important step this is where you seal in all that hard work. Paint it with sealer (more Mod Podge) over and over until you start to get high off the fumes. If you skip this step your cooler is done for.
Step 10: Fill ‘er up.
Let’s be honest, he could give two shits about the outside — all he cares about is the goodness on the inside of it. Get it all in there: Fireball, Bud Light Platinums, and some “ironic” Redd’s Apple Ale (but the real joke’s on him, that’s for you).