September 19th marks the beginning of National Hazing Prevention Week, which means that fraternity and sorority members are expected to take a break from forcing alcohol down the throats of their pledges for a whole 7 days. Here are 10 alternative ways to spend time with your new pledge class without trying to poison, hurt, or kill them!
10.) Force Pledges to Ingest “Stop Hazing” Cupcakes Instead of Beer:
Bake cupcakes together to show your chapter’s executive board that you’re observing this weeklong holiday. Make your pledges eat them instead of shoving 50 cans of Natty in their faces at 8 a.m. on a Tuesday and yelling “CHUG!” They’ll be taking in the same amount of calories anyway.
9.) Encourage Group Bonding Activities Like “Pin the Tail on the Sober”:
The most exciting part about this week is that everyone will be sober, which makes for a great game of “pin the tail on the sober person,” since everyone will be sober trying to stick each other in the ass with needles. Sober.
8.) Begin Painting the Sacrificial Satanic Five-Pointed Star for Spring Rush:
What better time to get a head start on setting up the sacrificial altar than during National Hazing Prevention Week? Use all that time you’d usually be spending yelling at poor defenseless freshmen in a basement, to perfect the five-pointed star you need to summon Satan to ask for a kickass next pledge class!
7.) Gaze in Loving Awe at Each Other:
Spread the love, stop the hazing and initiate the gazing. It’ll make everyone feel so much closer to each other.
6.) Make Fraternity Pledges Write Love Letters to Each Other:
Nothing says, “I love you, bro” quite like a sentimental love letter from a big brother. And it’ll be a nice change from him yelling at you to do pushups or clean his house or take care of the unconscious escort in his bed from last night.
5.) Order Sorority Pledges to Get Along With Every Single Member of the Chapter:
Will Jenna ever forgive Kaylie for that thing that she said to Amanda and Emily? Probably not. Will the drama continue? Most definitely. Do we have patience for that bullshit this week? Nah.
4.) Knitting Circles:
If there’s any better alternative to getting fucked up with your brothers or sisters than knitting little pink scarves and mittens together, we haven’t found it yet.
3.) Race 5ks, Not Cases:
If you’re trying to compete against someone and throw up after, racing in the “Stop Hazing” 5k is basically the same type of suffering as trying to finish a 30 before your other brothers or sisters.
2.) Resurrect Your Founders With Black Magic:
Instead of potentially killing new members with dangerous hazing rituals, why not turn to black magic rituals to bring fraternity and sorority founders back from the grave instead? That way you can meet them, AND they can show disappointment in what their organizations have become!
1.) Gently Kiss Each Pledge on the Forehead:
Rather than paddling their asses, perform other maternal gestures instead, like kissing your pledges on the forehead after reading them a bedtime story and tucking them in to their little dorm beds at 8 p.m. sharp so they’re ready for class tomorrow morning.
Remember to treat your brothers and sisters like real brothers and sisters this week; Don’t force ‘em to drink and perform dangerous tasks, just pull their hair sometimes and maybe tell on them to exec or something.
Are you worried your college apartment will be nicer than your adult one? Well, you’re probably right.