If you’ve been outside at all in the past few days, you might have noticed that it’s just slightly chilly outside. And by that, we mean that Pittsburgh will soon be the new relocation center for polar bears who are finding the weather much more suitable than the arctic circle. Unluckily for those of us who are are not covered in 900 lbs of blubber, Pitt never cancels classes due to nasty weather. Why? We don’t know, but it’s probably the same reason as why they stopped serving grilled cheese at Market.
We here at The Black Sheep have compiled a list of things much more likely to happen than Pitt cancelling classes. Freshmen, we are happy to be the one to break it to you, but…
– You getting laid this weekend is more likely than Pitt cancelling classes. Considering that you probably won’t leave your room if you can help it due to the cold, this would be a considerable feat, but not as crazy as cancelling class.
– In all honesty, it is much more likely that John Cena will be the next chancellor. He still won’t cancel classes, but he’s probably not a lizard person like Gallagator.
– It’s incredibly more likely that Market will be serving filet mignon all weekend (and without that double-swipe nonsense) than Pitt will cancel classes.
– Pigs will fly before Pitt cancels classes due to inclement weather, which is true, but it’s also more likely that the Panther statues around campus will come alive.
– To be frank, we’re more likely to get a call from one of the three billion-dollar Powerball winners asking to pay off our student debt than Pitt cancelling classes.
– We’ll have bipartisan agreement in Congress before Pitt cancels classes.
– Bio 1 will have a 100% passing rate before we have classes cancelled, and there will also be no waiting list to get into OChem lab.
– Donald Trump will start sounding like a reasonable person before we get a snow day.
– Textbooks will cost less than a Starbucks coffee.
– We will be #Blessed with the identity of Gossip Squirrel before we’re lucky enough to have a day off of classes.
– We will get Nickelback for Bigelow Bash (and students will actually get excited about it) before we have a snow day.
– Ophelia will retire before she gets to enjoy a surprise day off at Market.
– Natty will taste good, and you’ll never get another hangover again, before you can truthfully say that we’ve had a day off for bad weather.
– Pot will be legalized across the country before we get to blaze it during a snow day.
– And finally, Pitt will have a winning football season before we get to not go to class because of bad weather.
It’s okay Panthers, we’ve survived plenty of winters before, and we’ll survive this one. Make sure to stock up on bread and booze, and find a Netflix and Chill buddy to save body heat with. The streets of South O will be flooded with crop tops and cargo shorts soon enough.