Ah, freshmen. Instantly recognizable by their tendency to travel in herds, actually wear their brand-new lanyards around their necks, and stand in the middle of the mall with baffled, lost looks on their faces.
Still, tempting as it is to indulge these innocent new lambs, it’s ultimately kinder to introduce them to the harsh realities of life. So we’ve compiled a list of the funniest lies freshmen tell themselves, in hopes that they’ll come to their senses. (Also, it’s funny to mock them.)
4.) Diner Food is Great!:
“Look at all the pretty fruits at the salad bar!”
“Ehmagwed, I can drink soda whenever I feel like it!”
Freshmen setting foot into the diner for the first time are kind of like small children on Christmas day–they’re dazzled by the novelty and shiny paper, but after ten minutes the toy gets old and they want something new. The same logic applies to french fries, chicken tenders, and quesadillas. Also, playing with Barbies and Legos never made you fat–alas, the same cannot be said for diner food.
3.) I Should Totally Add Everyone I Meet on Facebook!:
Unless your goal is to boost your self -esteem by inflating your friends list, then for the love of Testudo don’t do this. Chrissy down the hall leaves toothpaste stains in the sink and bales of hair on the shower floor–the last thing you need is her, “Lookit my hair today! I feel gorgeous!” selfies clogging your newsfeed. Trust us, a lot of these people you share a toilet and elevator with are not your best buddies–they’re just the people you run into while you’re brushing your teeth.
2.) My Dorm Will Definitely Have A/C!:
Of all the lies UMD tells prospective and incoming freshmen, the ones about the dorms are the most hilariously cruel. “This is your typical dorm,” a loud-voiced, peppy-sounding orientation advisor chirps while leading freshmen through Prince Frederick and Anne Arundel. Ha! Ever notice how no one bothers to take prospective students on a leisurely stroll through the cinderblock, overcrowded ovens known as Cambridge, Ellicott, Denton, and Wicomico? After how many nights under sweat-soaked sheets does it dawn on freshmen that they’re being ripped off?
1.) Hooking Up in the Dorm is the Best!:
Weren’t you listening when we pointed out that there’s no A/C? If it’s too gross to sleep in Ellicott, what makes you think it’s a good place to fornicate? The walls are so thin that privacy is a mere illusion–one that shatters the moment you hear the guy next door shout “Keep it down, will ya? I have an orgo test tomorrow!” Not to mention the walk of shame. On a campus as big as College Park, it’s more like the hike of shame. If your dorm is on South Campus but your night of bliss happened on North or, God forbid, Courtyards, then you’re in for a long post-coital walk home. The trek back, which probably involves climbing the Stamp hill, is going to burn more calories than the actual act. So before you jump onto that crappy dorm bed, surrounded by the romantic ambience of weed smoke, cinderblock walls, and the roommate’s Big Bang Theory posters, ask yourself whether it’s really worth it.
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