According to every coming-of-age movie ever, the typical American male college freshman enters the year with the goal of having as much sex as possible. What happened when he finally escorted a consenting lady back to his dorm, only to have her run out moments later, claiming she has to feed her fish? Bad dorm room décor. Dorm room decorations are a representation of who you are, and this person didn’t like what she saw. Here are some things in your dorm room that might be killing your sexy vibe:
4.) Donald Trump Memorabilia:
Politics aside, there’s no denying that Donny T. has said some horrendous things about women. He’s a guy who routinely called Alicia Machado, the winner of Miss Universe 1996, an “eating machine” and “Miss Piggy.” This woman was crowned the most beautiful woman in the entire UNIVERSE and he still somehow shamed her into an eating disorder. If you’re someone who agrees with that treatment of women, you don’t even deserve to have sex. Go home. Good riddance. No one will miss your penis here. Take the signage down and try your best to become a better human being. Consenting partners will follow.
3.) Leftover Items from a Previous Encounter:
That used condom she accidentally touched with her foot? More than enough reason to run out the door and never be heard from again. Take care of your dorm room the way Jennifer Lopez took care of hotel rooms in Maid in Manhattan. If you’re not going to return that forgotten thong, please do that chilly woman a favor and throw it away. Wash your sheets, take out your condom wrapper trash, and be a fucking gentleman. No one likes to think about the people that banged in their hotel room the night before they checked in. No one.
2.) Photographs of Your High School Sweetheart:
Real talk: we know she isn’t your sister. Your hand’s a little too close to her butt, not to mention you’re kissing on the mouth. Do you really think being an incestual lover boy is better than a cheating boyfriend? Check back in once you break-up over Thanksgiving break.
1.) A Casual Fedora:
Wearing a fedora says everything a woman needs to know about your decision-making process. It means that there was a point in your life where you went out, tried on a fedora in a store mirror, decided it looked good, and then paid actual money to wear it at your leisure. You have gone outside and worn this hat with sincerity. No, absolutely not. Wrong. Fedoras make vaginas put on a second turtleneck, walk out the door for a pack of cigarettes, and never come back.
It’s always startling to learn the person sabotaging your sex life all along was…you. Take a deep breath; it is all going to be okay. Now is the perfect time to start over, redecorate, and try, try again. Grow from Boyz II Men and revel in the glory that is now your socially acceptable sex dojo.
It’s homecoming season, so get ready for some old dudes to buy you some beer.