We’ve all been there: used Tinder twice, hooked up twice, regretted it twice, and deleted the app so he couldn’t look you up later. But the biggest regret wasn’t the actual hooking up itself or the unsuspected nonexistent second date, but that a year later, that poopface shows up in your first class of the day. It’s 6 weeks into the new semester and you feel like you’re going to lose your goddamn mind if you have to even accidentally glimpse at his backpack again, so what do you do?
Participate in class to make yourself known:
Your asshat hookup can’t ignore you if you’re always talking! This little boy thought he was done with you after that one night but HE WAS WRONG. Annoy the living heck out of him by answering the professor’s questions as a reminder of, “YES, BITCH, I’M HERE.” Let him know you’re there and don’t care by talking to classmates around you about the fun stuff you’re up to, well within his earshot. Hopefully just the sound of your voice will have his soul slowly and painfully suffering.
Make sure he knows you’re better without him:
When you strut into class, your past hookup needs to SEE what he’s missing: wear some yoga pants (boys like these because butts), actually bathe, and look like you truly care about yourself. TALK LOUDLY about yourself like you’ve actually done something with your life since the hookup, even if you have to lie; whatever it takes to show you’ve been better off without his loser self in the picture. Did you really help build a shelter for starving Guatemalan children? Sure, why not. Maybe you became a Victoria’s Secret model within the last year, he won’t bother finding out the truth.
The true way, however, to claiming “no, really, I’m not dead inside since you left me for Nerf Club,” is smiling and laughing even though you’re actually screaming internally that you’re still in school and now you have to deal with this guy.
NEVER comment on his posts:
Professors always want students to peer review, but don’t realize how little anyone cares about each other’s work. Nevertheless, you’ll inevitably have to see or talk to or work with him. If you get a decent prof who lets you choose who you give feedback to, don’t pick your past hookup. By doing this, not only are you subconsciously letting him know you give 0 shits about him, but it’ll also instill the falsity that you don’t remember him or even know that he’s in the same class. Maybe he won’t notice, or maybe, and most likely, he’ll notice and take a self-esteem hit. GOOD.
Sit near him but not next to him:
If you sit too far away from your previous FWB, he might think you’re scared, but if you sit too close, you’ll come off as needy. It’s all about the perfect spot. Sit with your back to him so you don’t have to look at his mouth-breather dumb face or sit a few seats down. Pick somewhere where you get to avoid eye contact; you wouldn’t want him accidentally falling in love with your hate-filled, slightly-glazed eyeballs. You also don’t want this hormone-driven dweeb to inhale any of your pheromones if you sit too close or he’ll never leave you alone. After all, those pheromones are reserved for your future husband (a tie between Hugh Jackman and that guy in your LIB class) and you don’t need his stench mixing with those.
Keep these words of advice in mind and maybe you won’t like your class but you’ll definitely be the winner of “who’s more successful now” contest. We all know that making yourself look better than others is the key to happiness and success even if it means destroying others in the process.
Just like the leaves on trees or the srat stars’ skin, coffee in Starbucks cups nation wide is turning orange this month?