Happy Fat Tuesday, heathens on Earth! Tomorrow starts the first of three days that you actually keep Lent, which means it’s time to indulge to the max, except that it’s not. Being fat is so out of style, and being obnoxiously into nutrition and disgusting health food all over social media is so in! Let’s bring this two-millennium old tradition into the 21st century by making it fitspo hip. Here are five foods you should eat today to honor the holiest of all cheat days in true gym-rat style. Plus, you’ll have to lessen your shameful sins to make up the rest of the 37 days you don’t keep Lent, and nothing says religious commitment like using holidays for your health goals!
5.) A piece of vegan American cheese:
So essentially a piece of American cheese, the world’s leading cheese-less cheese. It may give you cancer, but it’s only, like, 45 calories of cancer.
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4.) Chia seeds:
Chia seeds are great ways to make a good smoothie into a douchebag smoothie. But smoothies are full of all sorts of evils like food and sustenance, so its best you just pour some seeds in your hand and lick them up. Make sure you do this in public so the world can see you lick up your love of Jesus.
3.) Fat-free yogurt-free Greek yogurt:
Take a good sniff and gulp from an empty Greek yogurt container, and feel the warmth of John Stamos fill you up. Now look straight ahead of you and act natural, that was a really weird thing to do in the middle of the Ugli.
2.) A Trader Joe’s free sample:
Nothing says, “Fitness isn’t just a routine, it’s an unnecessarily expensive lifestyle” like buying all of your food at organic grocery stores. TJoe’s samples are great because they transport you back to the world of food with flavor, while also being small enough to end that little wet dream before you finish.
1.) Ben & Jerry’s ice cream—but only the part stuck to the inside of the lid
Mmmmmm, what a hearty indulgent treat. Maybe if you’re lucky, a chocolate chip or note from a desperate Chinese factory worker will be also be stuck to the lid.
You’re now all prepped to have a great Fat Tuesday. Just make sure that whatever you eat, you post as many pictures on all forms of social media as possible. And remember, if your snap doesn’t make it to the UMich Campus Story, Jesus doesn’t love you and you’re going to Hell.