Last week North Texas finally put the (pretty much) final touches on the new and improved student union. Students, alumni, and parking Imperators scoured the new union for future napping/eating/pooping spots in between classes. However, The Black Sheep entered with our journalistic hardhats on (there’s a little construction humor for ya’) and scoured the union for things that might not stand out to the casual observer. Below, we’ve listed everything we found in the union that is either ~exciting and fun~, or evil and terrible…
Things that are exciting and fun:
5.) The Last Supper Table:
It isn’t often that you find a history relic from the Bible on a college campus. It only happens once, maybe twice a year. But this table, located in the lobby of the union, is the very same table that is displayed in the painting The Last Supper. Check it out the next time you need something to do, it’s a real treat and there is a water fountain just around the corner.
4.) This picture of Dr. Phil:
Few television hosts are as dominant as Dr. Phil. Phil has consistently showed reckless abandon while hosting a talk show that helps people solve their deepest problems. The Union made a wise choice by creating a shrine to the good doctor. If you ever need a little bit of luck, just rub his nose/mustache and look deep into his dead eyes. Legend has it the painting holds a mystical power.
3.) This nap spot under the sink:
We’ve all had that moment when we are in the bathroom and suddenly feel a desperate urge to nap. The designers of the new union spared no expense when planning the restrooms. This cozy spot located underneath the motion activated sinks is a warm and comfortable place to take a nap during a stressful day. Only one person can fit at a time, but rest assured there are many bathrooms in the union.
2.) A Lactation Room:
Every great building has to have a few things. One of these things is a lactation room. In the photo you can see my finger clearly pointing out that the room 431 is entirely dedicated to lactation, and I am all about it. The Lactation Room is often forgotten in the arduous process of constructing a structure, but UNT pulled through. Lactation station in full effect.
1.) This man and his child:
Although we only spoke briefly, I felt that I’ve known this man for my entire life. I didn’t get his name, but he and his son explored much of the union while I was researching for this article, and we shared many awkward glances. I feel as if we will be friends for a very long time. If you see him, tell him I say hello. Also tell him I won’t teach his son to walk.
Things that are evil and terrible:
5.) This collection of student souls:
Behind these little metal doors are the souls of countless UNT students. Upon officially deciding to attend UNT, your soul was taken and put in these very vaults. Here your soul rests until you drop out or graduate from the school. The problem here is with the amount of security. It doesn’t seem that our souls are being properly defended and we’d like a significant improvement in the security measures of these vaults. It is currently unacceptable.
4.) The masking tape on this door:
It is a sad day when masking tape has to be used. Unfortunately, the new union didn’t invest much into quality tape. As any commoner knows, masking tape is the weakest of all tapes.The masking tape is a complete insult to the people who walk near it and the union needs to correct this issue quickly before it shatters and cuts someone, then they sue, and then we’re in a real bucket ‘a honey.
3.) The writing on the floor incites violence:
The Black Sheep is and always has been against violence. Not for a second were we fooled by the allure of physical combat. The floor shown here in this picture promotes violence and should be removed immediately. At the very least, the exclamations should be removed. The exclamation really makes it very intense and could be a key factor in starting battles and duels amongst students.
2.) This propped-open door:
This was the only door found haphazardly propped open, and one haphazardly propped-open door is one too many. The items behind this door (which we did not dare to investigate) were thusly compromised, as Anyone on God’s green earth could enter that room. The time to prop open rooms has passed. This can stand no longer. There was also a hole in the wall, as you can see, which we didn’t care for.
1.) These stuffed animals getting hot and heavy:
We were shocked to witness an intense love session between two stuffed animals. This picture was the least-revealing that we captured. They were going at it and refused to stop. The staff at the new union must not allow this kind of thing to happen. Until these two are removed from the premises we will not be returning to the union; just because they are toy animals does not mean that they are above the law. If you pass by the Design Works office, you might just see a baby being made. This must change.