UNCC is seeing less and less students attending the basketball games held on campus; school spirit is at an all time low, and the athletics department is frantically searching for new ways to pull in the big crowds. Recently, during the middle of a freak snowstorm, the department sent out a mass email claiming that the “snow was all gone” (it definitely wasn’t) and to go to the basketball game for a “FREE cup of hot chocolate” provided by Coach Mark Price. That’s quite a stretch there. But we guess that risking our lives driving on the super icy roads would have been ~totally~ worth it for the cocoa, right? ….Right?
This wasn’t the first time either, with a “FREE shite pom pom giveaway”:
Or, this time, with the “FREE black rally towel!” OH BOY!
Assuming that like most things, it will only go from bad to worse, we’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of 5 possible incentives UNCC or Coach Mark Price may use to convince you that the basketball games are actually worth going to.
5.) $1 off tuition for every 20 games you attend:
You heard right! For a limited time only, UNCC is offering a whole 100 pennies off of your tuition bill for every 20 basketball games you go to. Let’s do the math here: If you’re an in-state student, your tuition bill is usually around $6,531. This means you get a little less than a 0.02% off discount! That’s a steal! Students will look for any possible way to trim off of their tremendous bills, so get your green gear on and get ready to cheer for your 49ers!
4.) Norm will stop stalking you like hunted prey:
The athletic department may or may not have hired our friendly neighborhood Norm to track you down and follow your every step because you won’t go to the games. Don’t worry. That heart-racing, constant state of dread that comes with that lingering polyester smell that follows you everywhere will all be gone if you start watching the 49ers shoot some hoops! Norm loves you. Norm loves UNCC. Norm loves you loving UNCC.
3.) A can of creamed corn:
Are you an avid fan of sweetened, yellow veggies? Good news for you! The athletic department ordered too many cans of creamed corn. They needed 15 cans for a dinner, but they accidentally ordered 1500. They’re passing them out at the door at all basketball games, so don’t miss out on this opportunity to satisfy your corn desires. Please, help them.
2.) Two cups of hot chocolate:
What’s better than one cup of hot chocolate? TWO cups of hot chocolate!!
1.) Get entered into a drawing to win a VIP Meet n Greet with Jerry Michaels:
For every basketball game you go to, your name will be entered into a drawing where you and a lucky friend will get to meet Jerry Michaels, a talented sanitation worker for Halton Arena. No, we don’t why you’d want to meet a janitor. Yes, that’s the stadium where they have the games. Do you even go to this school? Just go to the games! They’re getting desperate!
So, what’s next for future games? What could they possibly use to lure us UNCC students to sit in those uncomfortable seats for 2 hours for the sole purpose of watching the taller 49ers bounce balls? We don’t know for sure, but we definitely hope they include more sad emails suggesting that Coach Mark Price is scrounging for ways to get more students to cheer on the basketball team.