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5 Life Lessons Ms. Kathy Taught Us

Like Dean Groves, or Cav Dog, Ms. Kathy is a celebrity around Grounds. Some students have known her a lot longer than others, but she won’t be around forever, so it’s our job to make sure we continue passing on her Newcomb Nuggets of Wisdom. Her endless encouraging words have lifted the spirits of many on bad days, but here are some of the most important life lessons we’ve learned thus far…


5.) Sports clothes make it seem like you have your life together:


Leave it to Ms. Kathy to confirm that you truly are fooling everyone. You probably just rolled out of bed and headed to Newcomb in the running shorts and oversized t-shirt that you slept in last night, but your secret is safe with Ms. Kathy. “Oooooh girl, keep up the good work.” You may think she’s just referring to how nicely you’ve maintained the condition of your student ID despite dropping it on the floor at Trin a bazillion times, but there is always something more to her inspirational words. She notices your sporty attire and assumes you’ve been hitting the gym extra hard before and after classes. Good thing she doesn’t wander around the dining hall to find you eating three plates of pizza.


4.) How to get the most likes on social media:


Take a picture with her, duh! Ms. Kathy is the most photogenic person on grounds and she knows how to share the fame. Selfie every time you swipe into Newcomb and post it immediately. #Nofilterneeded #MsKathylovesmemorethanyou #Newcombrocks #Hashtag. Then, you can post another picture with her the next day to thank her for all of the new followers you’re going to become best buds with this semester. #Appreciationpost


3.) How to not look lonely:


So you’re waiting for your friends to arrive at Newcomb, but you don’t want to go sit down at a table alone (first year probz). No worries. Grab a chair and sit with Ms. Kathy as she swipes other people in. If you’re lucky, she’ll even let you use the super cool awesome swipey machine. Not only will you not seem lonely to all of the Brown kids swiping themselves in, but you’ll also have the upper hand because you just forged a stronger bond with the greatest and most powerful person at UVa. You can basically write your name on one of the Lawn rooms now.


2.) How to keep it PG-13:


As college students, we don’t want to sound like children saying things like, “fudge” and “shucks,” but at the same time, we can’t develop a language too crude because we still aren’t allowed to bring that sh*t home to our parents. Ms. Kathy has established a happy medium. “Kick aspirin,” and “You go butt-kicker,” have just the right level of sophistication and classiness that you need to get any point across.


1.) How to fake it ‘til you make it:


C’mon, you all have to be thinking it: there’s no way Ms. Kathy really likes ALL of us. Her constant niceness has to be a conspiracy. Who here has ever felt personally victimized by Ms. Kathy? *no one raises their hand* Exactly. Something has to be up there, or maybe that’s her final lesson to us all. She could secretly be worse than Double Swipe Dean, and can’t stand any of us, but she sure does know how to fool a bunch of college kids. Follow her lead and you’ll make it far in life.

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