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5 Real Facts About Our Commencement Speaker, Michael Bloomberg

 

There will always be controversy regarding the commencement speaker, no matter who is chosen, so we’re sitting here waiting for protests to erupt regarding this year’s choice, Michael Bloomberg. To pass the time, we decided to do some research and discovered these interesting, totally true facts about the man who isn’t running for president.

 

5.) Michael Bloomberg was a well-known businessman before becoming mayor of NYC

Yes, the man we all know solely for being the mayor of New York actually started off his career in the private sector. Bloomberg built his massive fortune—37.2 billion Monopoly dollars to be exact—by selling the idea that ice cream can be less delicious, less fattening, and less appealing, until you add back in all the ice cream calories, and more, with candy!

 

That’s right back in 2002, hung up on his 3rd failed attempt at the Atkins Diet, Bloomberg invented frozen yogurt bars. He contributes this move to being the reason for his long lasting health, saying “When life gives you a health opportunity, make it unhealthy, but convince yourself you’re probably going to lose weight after eating it.

 

 

4.) Bloomberg is a dedicated environmental activist

Bloomberg led the pack in the fight against global warming by announcing his plan to individually burn all of Earth’s fossil fuels all at once. According to Bloomberg, this will force to make a quicker jump into renewable energy, though scientists aren’t entirely conclusive on whether this will be effective, or possible.

 

 

3.) Bloomberg is also a strong public health activist

Most youngsters nowadays don’t understand why anyone would find an appeal in smoking anything but crack, smack, dope, heroin or weed, and that’s thanks to Michael Bloomberg. Back in his political days he implemented a ban on smoking cigarettes in public places at all commercial establishments arguing, “Smoking isn’t the problem. Smoking and not getting high is the problem. Like, take non-alcoholic beer for example. Beer bellies are a bitch, so why would you risk it if you ain’t gon’ get no turnt-buzz bizkit. No one likes dealing with second hand smoke, but if you’re going to breathe it in by accident, wouldn’t you at least want to have a conversation with the sidewalk?”

 

 

2.) Bloomberg led the fight against the New York mob

It’s pretty common knowledge at this point that the mob once ruled the streets of New York. Watch any documentary about the topic and it’ll claim that Rudy Giuliani was the one the led the fight with his whole ‘trying them all for crimes’ stuff. But did you know that Bloomberg once said, “The mob’s not cool.” Words speak louder than actions, because words actually speak and actions are actions (you dumb shit), clearly point-Bloomberg.

 

 

1.) Michael Bloomberg has teeth

A picture says 1,000 words, and a Google image search of Bloomberg’s name shows a bounty gaping elderly tortoise smiles: no teeth to be found. But don’t let the liberal media bias fool you, Bloomberg not only has a beautiful set of chompers. He has the set of chompers.

 

Though unconfirmed, it’s rumored that Michael Bloomberg was actually the first crocodile that croc-hunter Steve Irwin was ever called in to restrain, and that his teeth set of the Steve-meister’s whirlwind career. We can only assume Steve’s fateful end with a stingray can only be linked to a hit sent out by a disgruntled Bloomberg after some sort of fallout. Too soon?

 

 

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