UConn students’ love for drinking beer, Fireball, Burnett’s, or whatever it is that ensures an unforgettable night is undeniable. What’s not so forgettable is the beer belly or muffin top that sneaks up on students quicker than the Buckley stomach bug. You don’t really know how you got it, but suddenly it’s a situation that needs to be dealt with. Unfortunately for students here, it becomes difficult to burn those calories — specifically because the UConn gym sucks, and here’s why.
5.) That Signature Rec Aroma
We get that UConn is in the middle of a cow pasture, however in the dead of winter, it really is uncalled for that the stairs should smell of freshly dropped manure dipped in chlorine. Honestly, when you’re looking for excuses to weasel out of a workout before it even begins, this is a softball.
4.) The Center of Attention
For those who haven’t made it to the pet store, don’t worry, because UConn actually has it’s own human-sized fishbowl! Nothing worse than watching the 60-year old professor drown as he makes his way across the school, sinking a little more with each stroke, then pulling his frail leathery body out of the pool like a wet raisin. If you’re a starving attention-whore, take a dip in the pool because seriously, all eyes are on you.
3.) The Room of Awkward Silence
One of the gym’s finest aspects is the wonderful atmosphere in the weight room. Girls need to stick to the buddy system if they want to step foot into the sweaty bucket of testosterone that is the weight room for fear of chronic staring — entering this area is about the same as accidentally walking in on a bunch of dudes watching porn. Not to mention, the only sounds to be heard are male grunts because for some reason music is banned in the weight room. So, stick to the treadmill…
2.) Treadmill Staring Contest
Nothing is better known about New Englanders than the general aversion to friendliness, talking to people and most importantly, eye contact. That being said, it’s a mystery why all of the cardio machines are exact opposite to each other. What is more awkward than profusely sweating while making unbreaking, direct eye contact with the person across from you (like sex!)? Nothing, except that there’s somehow always a 99% chance it’s the hot guy from the bar you met last night.
1.) Treadmill? More Like Treadfilled
Going off the uncomfortable treadmill positioning, the largest struggle of the gym is one that requires more luck than winning the men’s basketball lottery. The cutthroat fight for a treadmill is one of life or death. If you miss the window by two seconds, then the classic “I eat salad for every meal” bitch in Nike spandex is going to swoop in. That means it’s time to start scoping out the obviously inferior elliptical, or better yet just going home, because it’s game over.
There really is no reason improvements cannot be made. Okay, whatever we were basketball champions, so the players can have new facilities, but what about the other 20,000 students who just want to fight the challenges of obesity? Come on Susan, get a move on with that $100,000,000 gym that will be built whene the Class of 2018 turns 30, we think you can find the money for it somewhere.