Finals suck. Everyone’s stressed and exhausted and you can practically see the souls of students being crushed with every test they get through. But through this horror, there is a beam of light. That’s where we come in. The Black Sheep has put together this helpful guide to get you through the process of celebrating your last final.
Leave Final in Fell Hall:
So, you walk away from the place where you’ve just been tortured and mindfucked for the last two hours of your life. Even though, like every other scholarly Redbird, you’ve been posted up in Club Milner for the last week trying to get your shit together, you still walk out feeling like a failure (thanks, college). You start thinking about how you’re paying out the ass in student loans just to sit in a room and feel inadequate about yourself. That’s all really sad, maybe you should just chill out on the Quad and relax for a little while.
Cry on the Quad for Twenty Minutes:
And now all of that thinking has caught up to you. You’re stressed about grades, angry that school is so expensive, and worst of all, your roommate drank the rest of your vodka so you can’t even have that when you get home. “This is the worst day ever!” you say to yourself for the 10,000th time this month. Well, when everything is going wrong the only thing you can do is cry on a patch of grass in front of strangers for an extended period of time. Surprisingly, more comforting (and common) than you’d think.
Walk to Budget Liquors:
Once you’re done with your mental breakdown, you start walking to Budget Liquors. There’s no better way to celebrate your potential failure than with good ol’ alcohol. Weave through the aisles and try to find something really strong—you’re gonna need it—and just start drinking it right then and there. Liquor stores will be more understanding than you’d think. Sometimes they even throw in a mini bottle of liquor for free depending on how downtrodden you look.
Send an Angry Email to Dietz:
Now, with your newfound drunk confidence, tell Dietz how you really feel about the whole process. We’re sure drunk emailing won’t be a problem, so just go for it:
Walk to La Bamba:
When your drunk rage starts to calm down and your sadness fades into emotional numbness, you notice that you’re hungry. The best way to wrap up the entire hellish process that is finishing finals week, is to pick your favorite Illinois State delicacy and gorge yourself since you won’t have access to it over Winter Break. And that, friends, is where finals really end, not after you turn in your test, but when you’re alone, eating La Bamba, hating college and life.
But, on the bright side, now it’s finally Winter Break. You’ve made it through the trenches and can now relax, eat as many Christmas goodies as your heart desires, and get drunk off spiked egg nog with your relatives.