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5 Things That Won’t Make You Look Cool

 

Everyone tries to look cool. We follow weird fashion trends, listen to weird music, and take shots. Because being cool means having friends, going to parties, and most importantly, getting laid. Here’s a quick list of things to avoid if you want a chance of being cool.

 

5.) Running to Catch a Bus:

Yeah, yeah, you overslept so now you’re praying to catch a bus to your “blow off” watercolor class on North Campus. As you’re speed walking so fast a suburban mom couldn’t catch you, you see it in the distance: the Bursley-Baits bus, your only hope for those sweet, sweet iClicker points. You speed up, almost to running pace, and the doors start closing. You start sprinting after it, hoping to God that the driver sees you. But it’s too little too late, the bus is gone, and you’re left at CC Little looking like an idiot. Nice job, loser.

 

4.) Riding Backseat on a Moped:

So you’re stranded at CC Little, with no hope of making it to class on time. Suddenly, a beam of light shoots down from the heavens onto your one friend that has a moped, for some reason. And guess what? They’re going to North Campus too. You jump on the back of the moped and speed up to the great white north like a human backpack, staying on only by awkwardly hugging your friend’s waist. Congratulations, you’ve reached a new level of friendship. Really the only downside to riding a moped is how cold it gets, but you’re fine since you brought your trusty sweater.

 

3.) Wearing a TCF Hoodie:

Did we say sweater? We meant your TCF hoodie, which lets the world know that you’re independent and financially savvy. Yeah sure, people will make fun of you for wearing something that styling, but you’ve got your (parent’s) money that you worked hard for. Flaunt it you graceful flower you.

 

2.) Pulling the Cord at CC Little:

So you made it to North, got your participation points, and you caught a bus back down to Central. It’s Friday night and you’re ready to get shitfaced and forget about how cool you looked today. Sitting on the Bursley Baits bus, you just passed Rackham, and you know you need to get off at the next stop. You reach up to pull the cord, and then it hits you. The next stop is CC Little, you don’t need to pull the cord. Too late. The entire bus turns to look at you with disgust, even the driver. You have to do some damage control to help your situation, so you squeak out a “Well sometimes it doesn’t stop at CC Little.” Everyone knows you’re lying. Yik Yak blows up, even the Snap Story is in on it. How do you manage to look so cool all the time?

 

1.) Chasing a Ping-pong Ball:

You made it to the party. You survived the worst day of your life and now you’re ready to let loose and rage. You decide to start off your night with a game of beer pong, thinking that you’ll be safe. Wrong. Your opponent is just absolutely awful and misses every shot, causing to ball to fly everywhere, making you look like an idiot when you chase it. To make matters worse, you manage to trip when you’re chasing the ball. Everyone in the room becomes aware of your buffoonery, and the crowd decides that you just lose the game because of it. You slink away and decide to quit while you’re behind and just go to bed. Your night is over.

 

Hopefully this guide is helpful to you. Let us know on social media using the hashtags #totallyhot and #totallynot.

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