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5 Tips for Dealing with a Drunk Friend in Hillman

Every once in a while you’ll be studying the night away in Hillman, only to turn around and see your plastered friend sitting in the corner alone, trying to figure out how water bottles work. You may have a test in the morning, and it may already technically be that morning, but like any good friend you have to deal with the issue droopily staring at you from across the table.


Here are 5 tips for dealing with your drunk friend at Hillman. 


Tip 5: Get them a paper and a pen
Why would a person whose motor skills have left their ailing body want to draw? That’s a question for the scientists. All you have to remember is that because your friend will not be able to speak to well, it is important you give them a way to speak without drawing attention to them. Grab the nearest paper and pen and let them draw all the squiggles, peni (plural for penis), and smiley faces as they want. It will look like they too are studying, and not holding down questionable burps.


Tip 4: Relocate
Your drunk friend drunkenly belting out “Black Widow” in an empty apartment is fine; your drunk friend drunkenly belting out “Black Widow” in a library full of sober people is not fine. Alcohol opens up the mouth, closes the brain, and lets the heart flow. Sometimes letting the heart flow might get you in a sticky situation with the cute girls behind you, with the security guard doing his rounds, or just with a casual bystander who made two seconds of eye contact. Relocate to either the ground floor book stacks or a study room to maximize your isolation. 


Tip 3: Get them ice water
No. You are not letting them drink it. Once you acquire ice water, take the particular individual to the bathroom. Then, dump the ice water on the person, slap them across the face, and make them sniff smelling salts. Now, if this doesn’t work and you’re forced to drastic measures to wake them up, we advise you to tell them Market’s serving nothing but grilled chicken, mac and cheese, and fries. This will surely wake them up enough to have them swiftly shuffle out of Hillman so you can return to your homework.


Tip 2: Sit them in front of a Mac, go on YouTube, put on Cat videos
It doesn’t matter if your friend is a tiny little girl with a notepad of horse drawings or your friend is a 6”2’ Rugby player with a gelled beard, this will work. With the chairs as soft and comfortable as the Tower’s lobby couches that they know so well, there can be no resistance to the cat videos of cuteness. This will buy you valuable time. While their attention is taken, you have the opportunity to take their phone, call an Uber, and just before their drunken self falls asleep, carry them to the Uber. Then, you have your tranquility and it’s only taken two hours!


Tip 1: Fuck it, go get drunk
There are three weeks until school is over. Get your paper pushin’, project leadin’, test studyin’, overachievin’ ass to Hemingway’s and enjoy one of the nation’s great college bars! Your GPA will regret it, but your brain will gladly sacrifice any number of cells go to preserve the faint sanity that a student who has made Hillman into their home still has. Your friend’s drunk because “fuck it!” You can be drunk because, “you fucking deserve it.”

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