Finals are upon us and stress levels among the student body have never been higher (probably). While it’s perfectly normal and healthy to channel all that heart-pumping anxiety through certain *ahem* outlets, it’s not perfectly normal or healthy to channel all that heart-pumping anxiety through these five outlets:
5.) Camp Randall Football Statue:
Or, as we like to call it, the Phallusy Football statue. This isn’t necessarily an outlet as it is a shaming mechanism. Seriously, who can compete with that kind of girth? Not your penis, that’s for sure.
4.) Artsy Statue by Engineering:
It’s got a hole, but that doesn’t mean you should stick your shaft in it. That hole is all kinds of fucked up. It looks like two 13 year olds trying to kiss each other for the first time at their 7th grade formal. Definitely not something you want to shove your sexy stuff through.
Come on now, tourists use those bikes! Actually, on second thought…no, no, no, students use those bikes sometimes too, don’t do it. That basket is there for your little telekinetic alien friend to ride in and help you fly under the moonlight, not for your organic bratwurst.
2.) Ecology Bathroom Animal Heads:
They may be metal outlets shaped as the heads of wild mammals, but it’s basically inanimate bestiality. Sure, public bathrooms are the best places to expel your worries through your dangler, but it should be expelled into a receiver that doesn’t resemble Bambi’s dad.
1.) Forward Statue in Front of Capitol:
An ethereal women in robes with a powerful Greek goddess aesthetic is hella irresistible, but, like, it’s just a fucking statue. Sure, she’s got her hand extended, but that does not mean she’s asking for you to place your member around her fingers. She’s a strong, independent woman and if she wants your skin staff, she’ll put her flag down and tell you. Don’t just assume, you dick.
Be safe kids. We know it’s a hella stressful time right now, but try to keep it in your pants. The last thing this university needs is a maniac wiping their penis all over campus.