Graduation is only a few weeks away, and you know what that means – awkwardly staged photos of everyone in commencement regalia! All of those pictures suck, but much like the pigs in Animal Farm, some are more sucky than others. Here are five locations to avoid:
The big book statue is also known as Wings of Thought, which you probably didn’t know because the only thing we need to know is that it sucks. It ruined the clapping thing we used to be able to do there, and the feather looks like a wrinkled dick. The book itself reminds us that we go to a university, where people read and write books, and books are important for knowledge. UD was afraid we would forget this, and had a statue commissioned celebrating our important contributions to society in Francis Allison (to whom UD has no actual relation), the Heck Equation, and that’s it, that’s all we’ve done in 200+ years. And seriously, the feather looks like spongy old man penis.
The Grotto Dumpster
With one picture, two non-UD students having drunken daytime sex on St. Patrick’s Day took thousands of dollars off the value of your degree. It pretty much wiped away all the employer good will that five years of building the ISE lab built up. So sure, you can revisit the most notorious scene in recent UD memory for your funny Facebook photo, just as long as you remember Mizu rooftop sex, Tranby, I’m Shmacked, that time that girl got thrown out of the second story of Skid Row, that recent strangulation/rape allegation, the huge dage breakup with the hundreds of citations, and the ongoing Title IX investigations, and then cry your soft tears as you realize you’re thousands and thousands of dollars in debt for student loans for a university with that reputation.
A Drainage Ditch Under The North Campus Bridge
First of all, you’re going to get your $98 graduation gown dirty by being in a drainage ditch. That will remind you that you paid $98 dollars for a thin piece of cloth that cost Thai children a dollar to make. Even when you had a foot out the door, they found a way to squeeze even more money out of you. Then that money went right down the drain, and you’ll realize you’re standing in front of a blatant visual metaphor for your time at UD. Plus it stinks.
Like some sort of horrible Dickensian hellscape, the constant construction at UD has been a bloated blight for the 2015 graduating class. “Work hard in high school and get into the Honors Program,” they said, after which they stuck you next to construction site that only seemed to be working at 6 in the morning. Then the construction constricted walkways so that half of the alleys in East Campus became narrow, terrifying, dimly-lit corridors you had to walk through alone at night, except for the occasional cat-calling worker. Also, if you’re not wearing a hardhat you could get hurt so best to stay away on graduation day.
Terrifying Giant Metal Blue Hen Statue
They hid this under a bridge so we never have to see the physical manifestations of our nightmares, which is pretty considerate, we guess. If chickens ever became sentient and started taking revenge on humanity, their murderous robots would all look like this. The last thing you would ever see are the rigid metal wings tearing into your stomach, unless you were one of the “lucky” few kept alive to perform in elaborate human cockfighting rings.