Your penis. It’s probably the most precious part of your body. Your sacred flesh sausage that you’d sacrifice anything to protect…It offers you a way to pee, a way to create life, and a way to feel unparalleled pleasure. In order to protect your ding-a-ling, we’ve compiled a list of places where you shouldn’t put your penis. Ever.
6.) Campus Urinals:
Do you even realize how many people pee in those urinals? Do you even realize how many of those people probably spewed their baby gravy all over (yes, between-class masturbating is a thing)? Well, it’s a lot, and even if you have the urge in your pants to stick your raging boner in something inanimate, we don’t suggest putting it anywhere near any urinals anywhere on campus. Seriously, dude, it’s just gross.
5.) Your Roommate’s Reconciliation Latte:
Yes, we get that you’re pissed about your roommate spying on you while you’re doing it, and watching YOUR Netflix, and eating YOUR leftover pizza. Yes, we know he’s been trying to compare dick sizes for months, but shoving your dick in his coffee isn’t something you want to do. The average latte, when served hot, is 160 to 180 degrees. Blisters on your little guy would not go over well. So why not get a frozen latte? Well, at 32 degrees, you may possible freeze off the tip. Trust us, it’s happened.
4.) Campus Ministry:
If you’re really showing your penis to a bunch of youth group people in the middle of a service, you probably do need Jesus. Either way, if you’re not religious and wish to stay out of the Jesus spotlight, we wouldn’t suggest you getting your exhibitionist pleasures with Campus Ministry, no matter how sensual the preachers’ voices may be.
3.) Vending Machine Coin Slot:
We don’t care how drunk you are, but you CAN NOT use your penis as a form of payment. If you want some drunk snacks, go to a pub. Getting your penis stuck in one of these slots will make it skinnier and you may even lose part of it in the machine. Nobody will benefit from that, but at least it’ll be a fun ride to the hospital.
2.) Henry Hall Fish Tanks:
Even though campus states that we aren’t supposed to have predatory fish on campus, those long fish in the tanks at Henry Hall look pretty aggressive; don’t let their lack of movement fool you. Whether you’re trying to show someone that your penis is the size of the fish, or just simply enjoy the thrill of putting your “third leg” in some sort of danger, we wouldn’t suggest doing this. It’ll probably be bitten off and you’ll more than likely bleed to death before people stop laughing and try to help you. Yikes.
1.) T. Haas’s Butt:
If you want to get kicked out of GV with an excuse other than “I want to be a rockstar” or “I failed all my classes,” you could use this place to never put your willy. However, it’s not the best idea in terms of avoiding being expelled or charged with sexual harassment. Our school’s president doesn’t play for that team no matter how badly you want him to. You won’t gain any authority or any benefits from boning the man in charge. #sorryboutit