For the sake of science and your entertainment, two staffers of The Black Sheep took to the UNCC health center for the exclusive ~free condoms~ offered to us as students. You can do it too! You just need three things: (1) Directions to the bottom floor of the Health Center, (2) no shame and (3) a quick hand to grab those condoms! They’re in two buckets right inside the Wellness Promotion Center. Receptionists ain’t gonna judge one bit.
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At this point, you’re probably thinking, why do I need to go get love gloves? If you’re anything like us, you might not have a trouser snake, pork sword, or a dong. But, haven’t you ever wondered what else you can do with a condom? No? Well, that’s okay. We’ve been thinking about it (way, way too much), and as a result, we’ve come up with six fun (#stupid) things to do with condoms just for your entertainment.
6.) Vandalize statues:
There’s no particularly good reason to put condoms on the Self-Made man, but since our campus has a plethora of stupid sculptures, LET’S GET ARTSY!
5.) Panty Bandits, beware:
In every laundry room, there’s two main problems: assholes who take all the washers, or assholes who steal something out of your wash once it’s finished. We can’t solve all the world’s problems, but we can put a condom in with our laundry to ensure thieves will be too grossed out to steal our shit again.
4.) Assert your dominance on the bike racks:
For the jerks that take your unofficial spot on the bike racks, tear out that condom and lube up their bars! Leaving an aggressive sticky note suggesting that they, too, should, “Suck a dick,” will demonstrate that you might be immature, but still care about the fam.
3.) Sexual education for your virgin roommate:
Valentine’s Day is approaching, and it’s your duty as a ~college roommate~ to give a quality sexual education to your less corrupted counterparts. Grab your instructional fruit*, condoms, an empty lecture hall in McEniry, and get to talking ‘bout the birds and bees!
*Note: We didn’t have any suggestive fruit, so we had to use a sweet potato. All for the learns**, though.
**Also, be sure to ask your roommates about using their sweet potatoes before returning them with the warning that they smell like rubber and might be a little slippery. Sorry, Jess.
2.) Mining for gold:
Located on freshman territory and the near main entrance of school, 49er Miner is the essential statue of UNCC and the greater Charlotte area. His pioneering spirit and determination, along with the rich gold mining history of Charlotte presents the perfect place to share your golddigger enthusiasm. In fact, we think putting condoms in his pan should become a tradition.
1.) Show off your Magnums, pick up chicks:
Picking up chicks on campus can be hard, but we suggest taking it the classroom. Unsuspecting classmates aren’t going to have time to be uncomfortable about being hit on.
Now, out of the health center currently, you have two options: the normal Trojan condoms in blue, or Magnum Trojan condoms in gold. Obviously, go for gold! You’re a Niner! In this example, when a girl asks to borrow a pencil, slyly keeping your extra pencil in your pocket along with that condom presents the perfect opportunity to accidently drop that Magnum. Whoops!
But if you do choose the smaller condoms, consider that the girl might already be too impressed with the Magnum to take your offer seriously.
Final Challenge: Snapchat us at BlackSheep_UNCC with all the ways you’re using your free condoms. If you’re in need of an idea, maybe try rebuilding The Belk Tower out of condoms — for every penis in the sky, there needs to be a safe penis in the sky.