Now is the time where those 5-star recruits high school seniors make their way down to campus and get the 5-star treatment they deserve. Giving them jerseys, video games and free tickets to the games are a great tactic, however every school does that and you’re just turning the kid into an eventual memorabilia dealer that only O.J. Simpson could love. Here are some ways to break from the pack and get that athletic program-saving high school recruit to commit to your university.
6.) Send a Framed Autographed Nude Photo of The Coach:
They say “sex sells,” so make that sale. Every school has a few photos of their coach naked laying on a bed of rose petals, as its part of the new hiring procedures. Have an intern to frame the photo and send it to that suburb where the dude lives. Maybe you’ll get the 3-star mailman out of it too.
5.) Get A Cheerleader to Go to Prom With Him:
One often sees dumb kids wasting their time asking Taylor Swift to their prom in a Youtube video, so take advantage of this trend. The most important thing to a high school senior is prom. So, have one of your cheerleaders go to prom with the high school recruit and just tell her it’s a Make-A-Wish kid. She’ll get some volunteer hours out of it and a good Instagram post.
4.) Tell Him That He’ll His Curfew Will Be an Hour Later at Your College:
Nothing is lamer than a curfew set by your parents. Everyone knows all the cool stuff in the suburbs happen past 10 p.m. like drugs, unprotected sex and drinking from your parents’ wine collection. Promise the recruit that he can stay out until at least 11 p.m. so he can enjoy what the cool kids did in high school, as long as he knows he has to wake up for practice at 6 a.m. the next day.
3.) Take Finals For Him:
Finals are the worst thing in the world for a naive high school kid. Even though the teacher is going to pass the recruit no matter what, it would be a courtesy to go ahead and take his finals for him. Heck, it might be good for you to brush off on your U.S. history since it’s sort of repeating itself with some national events going on.
2.) Buy the Kid Alcohol for Their Next Party:
When the parents have gone on a vacation with the money you’re bribing them with, there leaves a perfect opportunity for the recruit to throw the legendary party that everyone will be talking about at the lunch table on Monday. Since the kid is only 18, looks like someone from the boosters is going to have to pay for the booze at the party. It’s a small price for the millions of dollars in revenue this 18-year-old goober will bring to the school.
1.) Guarantee That He Will Be A 6th Round Draft Pick:
The main goal of many student-athletes is to be in the pros after a year or two of playing college ball. So, it’s important to give them a false hope of them getting drafted in the first round until he actually signs with you guys. Then, reveal that he’s easily going to be a 6th round draft pick because you guys haven’t made it to the championship game in years. Classic.
So get out there and seduce you sad boosters and coaches. If none of this works, you can always go back to paying your players under the table and giving them mopeds.
Zombies, and footballs, and beers oh my: