Here on ISU’s campus, the hormones are so thick you could cut them with a wet noodle. While we admit even a bagel and cream cheese looks like a compatible mate at times, here’s 6 places you should never put your dick on campus.
A Knot in a Tree:
While it is hilarious that knots in trees look like big, wooden buttholes, that bitch Mother Nature has a twisted sense of humor. If you stick your dick in one of the trees on campus, you’re likely to end up with a sappy schlong and a couple of really uncomfortable splinters. Long story short, you’re barking up the wrong tree here pal.
Milner Library Printers:
Trying to have sex with a printer is sure to leave both the printer and your penis with a large out-of-order sign on it. Not to mention the sex sounds would just be a lot of high-pitched screeching and laser noises. Worst of all, you might end up with a paper cut on your member. So if you’re not Steve-O and high on keyboard duster, we’d avoid having a one night stand with a printer.
Although we’re sure you have been fucked by ISU parking before, sticking your dick inside of the coin slot of one of these bad boys is not the appropriate way to try to fuck it back. Even if you did accomplish this feat of penis-themed magic, it means you got a real thin dick. And it’s not cool to have a real thin dick. So just ignore this one all together.
Bone Hand of #friendzone:
Although the Bone hand of friendship on campus looks like a great place to rest your sack-and-shaft, it is definitely not. This thing is cold as all hell and gives the worst handies known to man. It’s called the hand of friendship, but we’re pretty sure it should be called the hand of extreme shrinkage and discomfort. Plus we’re pretty sure some guy dropped a fat turd in the open palm before.
Modern Art Stone Vagina:
We’re not quite sure what this modern-artist was trying to say with this statue. We are sure that trying to stick your dick in this thing is going to result in one of two things: a dick with road rash, or an extreme deflation of your self-confidence. Unless your dick is as big as a backhoe and as hard as steel, putting your dick inside of this vaginally-shaped statue is a very poor idea.
While we agree that money is a turn-on for most people, having sex with an ATM is probably still a bad idea. Its college we’re all low on money, but you’re not gonna find what you’re looking for here and you may be misunderstanding the term “money shot.” Regardless of your understanding of sex terminology, I’m sure you will understand the following: a broken penis and a public indecency fine.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: