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7 Animals You Won’t Find at UCSB and Why

 

The University of California, Santa Barbara is home to an abundant and diverse population of animals. From raccoons and skunks, to a bunch more skunks and some raccoons, these creatures all call UCSB their home. However, not all animals feel as welcome here amongst the gauchos. In fact, extenuating circumstances can cause some select creatures to stay from the school at all costs. The Black Sheep has done its homework on these creatures and is ready to reveal their identities to the public. Here’s the all-encompassing list of animals who wouldn’t dare be caught at UCSB.

 

7.) Birds:

There are no birds at UCSB. There never have been and never will be. Birds need ample sky and trees in order to stay healthy, neither of which can be offered at the Santa Barbara school. In order to find birds, one should head up to Davis.

 

6.) Lions and Tigers and Bears:

None of these members of the big dog family can be found on campus. Insistent that they live with their own kind, these giant canines find living in the cramped confines of a triple their freshman year to be impractical.

 

5.) Fish:

These small boats don’t go to UCSB because they can’t get there. Many have tried and many have failed to get past the beach, which is not owned by the school. This is due to the fact that fish have scales instead of fur. Classic fish.

 

4.) Leaf-Nosed Snakes:

Leaf-nosed snakes’ parents demand a private education for their offspring. Consequently, not many leaf-nosed snakes can be found around the Santa Barbara campus. UCSB does, however, have every other type of snake.

 

3.) Little Mice:

Little mice have stayed away from UCSB since the dawn of time for obvious reasons. As the old saying goes, “little mice are just too little for school.”

 

2.) Orangutans:

Orangutans don’t go to UCSB because the rent is just too damn high. The most frugal members of the primate family prefer to save their guala for necessities like combs and melons.

 

1.) Centaurs:

These are fake animals. They can’t be found at any college. Not Drexler, not South Dakota State, and definitely not UC Santa Barbara. Thank god.

 

These beasts of the wild will never be seen at UCSB without exception. The Black Sheep believes this to be a problem. We believe that all animals should feel welcome at UCSB and would urge the school’s administration to take the necessary steps towards integrating these species into campus life. You too can help by making your voice heard. Think of the little mice. Take a stand.

 

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