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7 Things To Help Freshmen Hide Their Murder Record During Sorority Recruitment

 

Francesca’s is fresh out of white shorts, Target is out of volumizing hair spray and the air smells of freshly bleached anus. You got that right, it’s recruitment season! For all you pretty little PNMs, recruitment can be a daunting process, especially when you’ve got some skeletons in your closet. Are you a a convicted murderer? The Black Sheep is here for you and your blood-covered hands, because who hasn’t wanted to stab a trucker?

7.) Register Under Another Person’s Name:

You have to have an alias. Sororities Facebook stalk the shit of out of their PNMs, so you need to create a fake Facebook account with great pictures of you doing fun ~sratty~ things like giggling with your best friends in a “candid” photo, so you seem normal enough to rush.

6.) Dye Your Hair:

Your mugshot was pretty ugly, so dying your hair helps mask your identity. You’ll have to get it done far away so you can avoid girls from Sigma Delta, so book an appointment in at home, instead of on campus.

5.) Get Plastic Surgery on Your Face:

After you finish getting your fresh new locks, book an appointment at the nearest plastic surgeon for a little jaw breaking and setting. Most of the girls in top houses have been programmed with facial recognition software, so it’s probably best to get that busted face fixed before their mouth sirens go off and they throw you into their dungeon basement to die.

 4.) Carry a Switchblade in Your Bag:

You can never be too careful. People may try to corner you and ask you questions, like “So what’s your major? Or “Which where are you from?” That’s too close to “Weren’t you that girl that murdered that trucker back in 2008?” Don’t be afraid to whip that out and show her who’s dominant. You’re trying to get a fresh start, so it’s best that you keep a blade with you in case anyone tries to get too close.

3.) Do Coke in the Bathroom at Every House:

You need to keep your edge because that’s how you got out of a conviction back in ’08. Going through a few lines of blow during first round will help you stay alert and focused, as well as keeping your energy up. Honestly, most girls will be doing blow (and Addy) too, so you should be just fine with a lil’ nose candy.

 2.) Threaten That Girl Who Looked at You Sideways:

While some of the other PNMs may end up being your sisters, they’re also your competition and your worst enemy. You know what they say—keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but also corner those enemies and make them drop so you can avoid them telling everyone in your pledge class that you’re a murderer.

1.) Trust No One:

You’re going to be building relationships and trust while you make it through your final rounds, but it’s important to remember that you trust no one—not even that super sweet ‘17 that opened up about her deepest secrets to you. This one is the hardest to follow, but it’s the most important. You’re a murderer, and this is the life you’ve chosen.

Good luck to all PNMs, and always remember that snitches get stitches.

 

 

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