There’s no place like home. And by that, we mean there’s no place like being back in the golden city of East Lansing. Granted, not eating ramen every day was pretty great, but there’s some topics relatives always bring up that just made our blood boil. In honor of being able to peacefully eat cereal in our bedrooms until next winter break, here’s a commemorative list of topics we won’t miss hearing yelled across the family dinner table.
“Are you dating anyone?”:
Ah, nothing like bumping elbows with countless middle-aged married people and reminding them how nonexistent your love life is. The best you can do is smile and nod as Aunt Carol explains how at your age, she had already gotten married, invented the wheel, and spent every night cooking dinner while literally juggling triplets because she never had time to buy them booster seats. If there’s one thing that could go with this pumpkin pie, it’s a hefty dollop of the reminder that you have accomplished nothing and may die alone. Delicious.
“Do you know what you’re doing after college?”:
Did you ever fulfill your lifelong dream of becoming a trapeze artist, Aunt Jess? No. Next question.
“Hey, why aren’t you wearing your family ascot?”:
We could see this question coming from a mile away. Mainly because the Parsons came walking up the driveway with neon orange neckbands, as if this avoided the chance of one of them getting lost on the treacherous path from the car to the front door. Although owning an ascot embroidered with the family crest is touching, let’s face it, it’s kinda tacky and a little 70s. If we wanted to wear an ascot, we’d jump in the Mystery Machine, but thanks for the offer, Uncle Rob.
“Is this a small container of Parmesan, or am I just a very large man?”:
Just like Socrates used to say: It’s not a family reunion without a little proportion confusion. Now everyone and their brother (literally) is freaking out on whether or not they doubled in size, all because Susan wanted to save a couple bucks on the Parmesan cheese no one uses anyway. We could accept this kind of nonsense after a full day and night of Rama, but not here.
“Anyone up for a little parkour after dinner?”:
We’d rather sleep on a post-victory Cedar Village couch engulfed in flames. Parkour with the relatives involves nothing more than jumping over a single frozen leaf and patches of fluffy snow like an Ann Arbor candy-ass.
“What’s in the box?”:
Okay, who brought Brad Pitt to family dinner? We thought we said blood relation only. As much as he nailed that line in Se7en, it gets a little old when Brad yells it every time someone gets handed a wrapped Christmas gift. You have to open it to find out. Ever heard of Christmas before? Idiot.
“If we get snowed in, want to reenact The Shining?”:
For the LAST TIME, we’re not gonna let you chase us around with an axe and sacrifice one of our good doors so you can live out your favorite film, Uncle Jack. If there’s going to be an angry drunk, who knows what on the floor, and people slurring their words so much they start saying them backwards, we’re going to Rick’s.
If these don’t scream your typical, cliché family drama, we don’t know what does, and let’s all be thankful we won’t encounter any of these questions anytime soon. It’s good to be home.