Out of all of the holidays, Christmas has the most subliminally sexual songs by far. Think about it: have you ever heard a sexually-charged song about Veteran’s Day? Underneath the jingling bells lies the age-old theme of exchanging sexual favors for power, material goods, and self-esteem. Here is a collective list of Christmas songs, ranked by their sexual subtext:
8.) “The Christmas Song” (“Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”):
Warm nuts. It’s not much, but you gotta start somewhere.
7.) “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”:
Delete everything you know about Santa and pay attention to the lyrics. There’s a man that is coming to your town. He watches you, recording when you sleep and when you’re awake. He assesses your behavior and he evaluates your porn searches. From that information, he will assess and bestow either a gift or a lump of coal. How did this seem okay? You had to go to a mall and sit on a strange old man’s LAP and whisper to him WHAT YOU WANTED.
6.) “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”:
This song is a true story written by a man who, after intense therapy, finally figured out why his dick is only attracted women who cheat on him with older men. It’s not an Oedipal Complex– it’s a Santa Complex.
5.) “All I Want For Christmas Is You”:
Mariah knows what she wants, and it is you, and you and you, baby. Going against everything the world generally knows about Mariah Carey, she does not care about any of the presents underneath the Christmas tree. She wants one specific gift, the only one she has yet to receive: that locked-down D.
4.) “Blue Christmas”:
Welcome to an overzealous ode to Elvis Presley’s balls. Spending the sexiest holiday apart from his lover is making The King (An assumed nickname for Elvis’ penis) backed up with loneliness. This song was originally titled “Bummed I’m Not Getting Laid Because You Had Other Plans,” but the record company said it was too “on the nose.” He’s just a sensitive, sad man, looking for love and color schemes this holiday season.
3.) “Last Christmas”:
This song goes out to all of the ladies who have ever loved a bad boy. A Justin Bobby, if you will. Last year was full of regrets. “I’m only going to like someone if he’s, like, worth it and good to me because that’s what I deserve,” you announce to your friends at that one ugly sweater party. Wrong! Believe you’re regifting your heart and vagina to someone new, but as soon as homeboy walks in with his combat boots that goes out the fucking window. At the end of the day, we all want someone slightly unattainable to keep it interesting. Round two!
2.) “Santa Baby”:
Singing this song forces you to be sexy even if you don’t want to. It can’t be sung without the breathy, false innocence of a sugar baby. Give her a blue convertible and a duplex and there will be a nicely wrapped blowjob in your stocking. Quid pro quo: Christmas style.
1.) “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”:
This man is a true predator sleazeball who deserves to get his dick chopped off with an icicle. Her whole family is worried about her! She needs to go home. He slips something in her drink, ignoring everything she says. There is no consent and there is nothing subliminal about it.
2016 has been a shit show year,
It’s almost over, drink another beer.
Get ready for severe radio overplay,
And please finally notice all the innuendo,
Effectively mind blowing your day.
Merry Christmas to all,
You’re kind of all right.