Yes, condoms are typically used for coitus, but what happens if you don’t get laid on a regular basis? If they’re free, college students want them, and the Women’s Center and the LGBT Resource Center have an abundance. Through the great investigatory skills of The Black Sheep, we found eight wonderful things to do with your free condoms when you’re too pathetic to get some.
1.) The Water Bottle:
This is a pretty simple idea when it comes to what to do with the condoms. Simply just stick the condom under a faucet of water and fill ‘er up. Poke a hole in the bottom and suck on it like a nipple, or put a straw in the top and tie it to keep water from going everywhere. You can even store other beverages such as lemonade, vodka, whiskey, gin, Gatorade…you name it! The Black Sheep suggests you use the unlubricated ones because ew, or flavored ones to add an extra kick to your daily water intake.
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2.) A Sock:
We all have those shoes that we can’t fit our feet into anymore, but love them too much to throw out. Forget your grandpa’s shoehorn! Condoms are here to save the day. Find the most lubby one that you can and slip it right on. It’s great because one size fits all (that’s right men, they make them big/small enough for you too), and the lube makes it easy to slip on that pesky shoe.
3.) Balloon Animals:
It’s amazing how much a condom can hold in terms of air. You can make regular balloons pretty easily, but everyone knows that balloon animals are better. Just put your mouth on the opening of the condom and blow! Once it’s as filled as you want it to be, just start the animal making process. You can make a snake, or a rainbow, or a snake, or a dog, or a snake. The possibilities are endless! Which is why we made a snowman.
4.) Monkey Ball:
The monkey ball isn’t a well-known device for self-defense on campus. The original monkey ball is made out of an iron ball wrapped in rope, and can break someone’s jaw in one swing. However, spending money on something like that is kind of stupid when a potato in a condom can do the same thing! Take one of those used condoms and slide a potato right in it. Keep it lubbed up to creep out the assailant and for easier potato penetration.
5.) Sling Shot:
Say you’re in the middle of class and you’re totally bored when you happen to remember those pencil sling shots from your middle school days. Well if you can’t find a rubber band, a condom makes a viable replacement. Just tie that sucker to your pencils and shoot things (potatoes?) at your professor when they’re not looking for some much needed entertainment.
6.) Abstinence Advocacy:
Please don’t reproduce! We’ve all come in contact with the guy/girl who has the loudest sex even if their partner just isn’t that good. We’ve also noticed that those who have this super loud sex also aren’t the people you want having kids. Keeping this in mind, take one of those free condoms and attach a positive note about safe sex/abstinence and stick it to their door. Hopefully, doing this will help get the idea across to stop doing it.
7.) Hair Tie:
The worst thing about going to the gym, aside from exercising, is getting there and realizing you don’t have the means to tie back that luscious hair of yours. Condoms, once washed off, are fantastic for getting your hair into a ponytail/man-bun so you can stay cool while on the elliptical.
8.) Boiling/Poaching an Egg:
Okay, well, you may already have water and a pot to boil eggs, but what’s the fun in the traditional way? Slip an egg into a condom and you instantly have a fun, floaty way to cook your eggs. Plus, poaching an egg in a condom gives you the perfect texture of egg for egg’s benedict. The lubricant acts as the perfect nonstick surface as well, making it easy to slip the cooked egg out onto a plate.