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A Chocolate Shortage: Worse Than Ebola?

Chocolate lovers beware: it’s time to head to your nearest convenience store and purchase all the chocolate you can fit under your bed because soon, a single Hershey’s Chocolate Kiss might be worth millions of dollars. According to The Washington Post, chocolate may be obsolete by the year 2020. The Black Sheep brings you the story of the biggest chocolate lovers at the University of Arkansas, and their understandable outrage.


Juniors Brandon Hersh and Jessica Shey are co-founders of the Chocolate Lovers club at Arkansas. The two met in 2012 during a cooking class elective at the university where they found a mutual love of the sugary treat. They soon came up with the idea to start the Chocolate Lovers club and as of October 2014, there are 17 active members. After hearing about the shortage on chocolate, Hersh and Shey were livid.


“How am I supposed to make my homemade Twix bars if I can’t have easily-accessible chocolate?” Hersh complained. “The chocolate shortage has been especially hard on Jessica. She bawled her eyes out when the news first broke.”


Shey admitted that she was, in fact, heartbroken over the chocolate shortage. “I’m going to have to start trying to quit the brown stuff,” Shey confessed. “I have a few pieces with every meal, if not a whole bar. The day that chocolate becomes extinct… I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t quit the stuff, it’s just too good.”


Shey’s boyfriend, Kit Katner commented on Shey’s outrage, “if there’s no more chocolate, Jessica will literally go crazy, she’s already a bit crazy – don’t tell her I said that. But when it comes to chocolate, she’d pick a King Bar over my sweet bar any day.”


Hersh told us he had a plan for the chocopocalypse. “I think I’m just going to buy a shit ton of chocolate and melt it together,” Hersh said, “then I’ll sell it at a higher price, like in a basement or something. It’ll be like a… dark chocolate market.”


Hersh believes his solution will not only help himself get through the tough chocolateless time, but those close to him as well. “People can’t just live without chocolate. Women, as far as I’ve been told, can’t make it through that time of the month without a few bars. Not to mention fat guys! That’s where all of their energy comes from,” Hersh said with a wink. “I’ll buy as much as I can, it’s not like chocolate ever goes bad. I mean, I’m not a chocolate scientist, but I’m pretty sure it stays good forever. Whatever, I’ll just freeze it. Easy as French silk chocolate pie”


Clearly the only person to blame is Barack Obama for letting this chocolate shortage get so out of hand. Maybe the next two-term president will figure out a better way to handle the shortage. Mr. Obama did not return our call for comments, but we’re not sure we called the right number.

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