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A Guide to Thanksgiving Conversation with Your Directional School Friends

Eastern Illinois, Western Illinois, Southern Illinois, Northern Illinois. These are academic institutions much in the same way Skol is vodka or McDonald’s is food. This Thanksgiving you’ll be encountering former peers of yours whose poor life decisions prevented them from attending an academic institution of real merit. This is how you deal with them.

 

Determine Intent: Does this dimwit intend to engage you in conversation, or is there a delightful morsel of road kill just behind you that he is intent on eating? First, try stepping aside to see if the simpleton will simply lurch past.  

 

Loudly Engage: If it becomes apparent that the directional school dunce is serious about conversing, be sure to speak loudly and clearly in the dolt’s direction. Oftentimes,  the clod will be wearing a bicycle helmet or other protective gear that muffles hearing. The sooner a conversation with an imbecile begins, the sooner it can end. 

 

Fight with Whatever You Have: Though one may think polysyllabic words would be an ally in this dread conversation, a sharp stick is a much better tool. Do not hesitate to forcefully poke the buffoon, their tolerance for pain is only matched by the vapidity of their thoughts. 

 

Escape as Soon as it is Safe to Do So: A long temper is a close ally on your voyage across the slow sea. Once engaged, do not rush conversation with the oaf, as your visible discomfort will only open a new line of questioning. Simply wait for the dunce’s thought vomit to exhaust itself before casually pointing out another high school acquaintance for her to talk to.

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