The Black Sheep would like to take the time to commend and personally thank one male who rises above the rest. Tristian Barker shows complete disregard towards the weather. Every day, with reckless abandonment, this hero boldly makes the hard decision to wear shorts, regardless of the season.
Does Barker care that it’s zero degrees out and snowing? Hell no. Barker is way too busy displaying his manliness for all of Grand Valley to see. He’s a true inspiration for the boys who need a real macho muchacho to look up to. The way Barker always pairs one-size-too-big basketball shorts with zip-up sweatshirts from high school… who knew that combo could have so much aesthetic appeal?
And this fashion icon doesn’t stop there! His dirty man bun held back with a giant rubber band is a fan favorite among the Laker ladies. On days Barker chooses to wear a coat, it’s unbuttoned and displays some sort of phallic imagery from either a video game or sports team. Of course the shirt is always a V-neck, exposing just the tiniest tuft of chest hair. How else would the world know he has an incredibly large penis?
By now you must think the rumors have overstated Barker, but they’re all true. Not only did Barker climb to the top of Mount Everest, he did so whilst wearing his formal jean shorts. But did he get frostbite? Nay, for he is practically inhuman. Or even superiorly human… that son of a bitch.
Of course negative gossip is being spread throughout campus in regards to Barker’s manhood. The Black Sheep would like to settle once and for all that Barker has never once cried while watching a movie. Even when he saw Marley & Me, not a single tear left his ducts. Everyone knows emotions mean weakness, and Barker is anything but a pansy.
What ode would this be if there was no mention of his taste in quality music? The whole world knows of Barker’s manly playlist that blasts out of his Beats by Dre on the bus for all to hear. So considerate! Of course everyone wants to listen to Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop” or Saving Abel’s “Addicted” because 2008 was the most masculine of years.
As Grand Valley’s campus slowly turns to spring, there’s a fear that most students are concerned about: how will Barker maintain his masculinity when wearing shorts during a hailstorm is no longer plausible? It’s a fear that’s almost justified. But do not dwell, Lakers, for rumors are being shouted (not whispered, because that’s for sissies) that Barker plans to continue wearing shorts (while alternating his look between a stringer and a bro-tank), with longboard always in hand. Barker’s unchanging outfit reminds his peers that he will continue to secure his gender no matter the circumstance.
Someday, Barker hopes to teach his fellow man the way of the most virile of species through his book entitled I Have a Penis, Why Don’t You?, set to print sometime late 2016. Barker is still free-balling, wearing his Nike flip-flops with his black Adidas socks pulled up halfway to his knees, and giving subtle “Sup?” chin-up nods to other bros around campus.