The following is an email delivered originally to the Dean of Students and later to The Black Sheep by one of our many campus liaisons. We wish to advise students that if similar instances to the detailed account of poor Jenny Finnset were to occur in your dormitory that you should first contact the RA or the RD as they are generally much more understanding and equipped to help than the Dean of Students. This archive is published at the express permission of Miss Finnset as an attempt to inform as well as encourage future caution. Enjoy.
Hey Dean of Students.
I found your email on the internet and I was wondering if I could get your help with a problem I have?
Ok. Here’s some background info: My names Jenny Finnset, I’m a freshman pre-med major, and I live in Holland on the eighth floor and I was wondering if maybe I could maybe have a new roommate because mine is a total dud.
I’m not normally the type to complain if you know what I mean, which is how you should know that this is a legitimately big deal like, I was totally cool with living in an all-girls dorm and stuff (it’s honestly pretty stupid and everything considering that I can just bring guys home and stuff anyways I mean I was never gonna even consider committing floor-cest or anything like that because I’m a legitimately firm believer of not pooping where you eat, but like I said I’m not gonna just complain for no reason).
Back on topic, I don’t know what this girl’s disfunction is, but I invited her to go to the [redacted] house with me just this past Tuesday to meet boys and pound bags of Franzia because honestly I was just trying to be nice. Dean can I tell you something tragic?
This poor chick has only made friends at that weird radio station in the William Pitt Union so far. Dean, let me tell you something, those radio PABs are some of the PAB-iest people I’ve ever seen and that’s saying something because this school is full of PABs. A little more background info, I’m a legitimately firm believer in treating people the way you want to be treated and I would totally want someone to tell me if the people I was hanging out with were total fucking scrubs, you know? Sorry for swearing and everything in a formal email, but seriously.
Anyways she was like a total effing snob about my invitation, she said she was reading Harry friggin Potter or something, I don’t even know something rude when I was just trying to be nice. Which, Dean, was completely uncalled for. And then she was also being really twitchy with me while I was pregaming, but I just pumped my T-Swift louder and shook it off so no biggie. I’m also a firm believer in shaking things off.
Anyways I came back with a boy later and she was being completely impossible about giving us some space. Honestly Dean, I’m in collage now and I need to be able to bring back boys to my room without having to worry about mom telling me what time of night it is. I KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS SKANK GET OUT OF MY ROOM.
So what ended up happening is poor Chugg (that’s his nickname, I was too drunk to remember his real one) started totally puking and Miss Two Shoes CALLED THE RA CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT DEAN? Now Chugg has to worry about his future being ruined, you know? And it’s all because Princess Mononoke couldn’t be chill for a split friggin second.
I swear to god this girl is out to get me Dean, I’ve been nothing but accommodating to her weird ugly-hipster-chick music and how she is constantly reading while I’m trying to blast Ignition and get hyped, but Dean I think we’ve crossed the threshold here and it is time to launch a formal complaint.
It would be really great if I could get your back up on this one Dean, it’s not like I’m paying tuition for nothing.
Classy, Sassy, and Dangerous,
Pitt Class of 2018