Every year, our fair campus is transformed from a quiet, rural place into a seething mass of drunken, sweaty, orange-clad football fans. For some, it’s great; but for the introverts of Clemson, this ritual gathering can be nightmare. For all of you introverts out there whose blood runs orange, The Black Sheep has compiled a foolproof guide in order to make your game day experience as awesomely introverted as possible.
First, a great tip for wherever you happen to be: set boundaries. The secret here is to seem so horrible that even that fat, sweaty, middle-aged guy with popcorn falling out of his mouth won’t want to squeeze in next to you.
You have to commit—don’t just wear a Gamecocks t-shirt. Color and spike your hair into a garnet and black mohawk and strap a big, yellow beak to your face. It may help if you don’t shower or use deodorant for a few days leading up to the game, although your strategic stench still might be lost amidst the general odor of Death Valley.
Actual football aside, any true Clemsonite knows that the truly exciting part of game day is tailgating. However, for those unfortunate souls suckered into actually running a tailgate, it can be an uphill struggle.
Honestly, whose idea was it to get up at ass-o-clock in the morning, fight your way through crowds of hung-over students and lost, annoyed parents just to set up a crappy tent and sweat in the sun with warm beer for the next six hours?
Luckily, there is one easy way to make your tailgating experience the best one possible: be the bartender. After all, it’s a proven fact that if you drink enough, all your troubles will disappear. Honestly, with that many drinks at your disposal, how could anything go wrong?
Lastly, a tip that will help you no matter your situation: keep an escape route in mind. Clemson is rural after all and amidst all those trees, there is always a way to escape back to your introverted hideout. If things get to be too much, hit the trees and head out of there—you’re sure to find a road eventually. You might run into a few confused cooler-bearing stragglers, but that’s okay, because with twigs in your hair and leaves stuck to your shirt you’ll look so batshit that you might score a few free drinks.
After executing the perfect ninja escape, you can go back to your apartment and watch the game as it was meant to be watched: alone, in your underwear. With your roommates away at the game, now is the perfect time to catch up on all the things you long to do during the week. You could break into that stash of Goldfish under their beds—pee with the door open—or even snuggle with the adorable stray cat that’s been hanging out on your doorstep!
If your roommates do happen to be there, don’t worry: we have a backup. Over the summer, the second floor of Cooper Library was graciously remodeled just for the needs of introverts. All those individual chair cubbies are perfect for some quality ESPN Gamecast time. So kick back, relax, and revel in your introversion, because you totally earned it.
Ah, sweet solitude.