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An Open Letter to All Your Married High School Classmates

We can’t be the only people bombarded by an army of changed relationship statuses and proposal videos on Facebook. We can’t be alone in cringing every time we see a wedding hashtag. The evoked feelings of are you fucking kidding me and well at least I can take up the whole bed can’t only be happening to us right? The Black Sheep has a few words for those of you getting hitched before it’s legal to drink at your own wedding.

 

Sup newlyweds,

            First and foremost, congratulations. As I compose this, I’m wearing an oversized PittStart t-shirt instead of pants and still working up the stamina to wash off my makeup from last night’s shenanigans through the dirty South O, so clearly, you’ve got something I don’t. We commend you on making a life altering decision when it’s hard for us to decide if ranch or extra garlic sauce is a more viable companion for our 2am pizza binge. Hell, we can’t even choose between Pizza Romano, Antoon’s, and Sorrento’s.

 

But as we scroll aimlessly through your posed wedding photos with the all too great indicator of your age, #millerpartyoftwo, underneath—we can’t help but wonder if our generation is marrying out of love or the desire to rack up likes on Instagram. Could this pizza and I get 200 likes?

 

I’m really happy for you, imma let you finish, but how quickly did you need to change your status from in a relationship to engaged? Please, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t pause to change it to married after you say your I do. Just because he “stole your heart,” doesn’t mean you have to “steal his last name.” An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, homie.

 

Inquiring minds would also like to know where the cash flow for that ring/chocolate fountain/elaborate floral arrangement came from? Willing to accept a ring pop and some Campus Deli at this point (hit me up). How’d you avoid the student loans, the crippling debt? Tell us your secrets!

 

And as you cast off on your dream honeymoon to a Sandals resort somewhere legal for you to consume adult beverages, we hope you remember what it was like to be single. We hope you remember how much it doesn’t suck (no pants, all Netflix, no worries), and are still ok with having one person to flirt with until you shrivel up into a raisin. We genuinely hope your wedding was everything you put on your Pinterest wedding board, and then some. We also hope that you reconvene in the next couple of years to have a proper open bar ceremony, because honestly, think of the people like us who sat through your professions of love and didn’t even doze off until the end. People like us that want you to be happy, but also wish we were at Hem’s. All in all, don’t take too much to heart what us lonely, satirical bastards have to say. Maybe we’re just bitter, but probably not (single and ready for a pringle).

 

… And don’t even get us started on those of you with kids. You really didn’t need to pop out on of those to justify buying yourself the Spongebob-shaped easy mac.

 

                        Sincerely,

                                    Someone you definitely haven’t spoken to since graduation

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