Dear Chubbies Wearers,
These past few years we’ve seen a phenomenon happen before our very eyes that we really should have dealt with properly way back when. And that we haven’t is, well, incredibly concerning. This phenomenon is the lack of the absolute destruction of the devil’s fiery spawn: Chubbies
“Chubbies are so 2013. Why are you still talking about them?” Yeah, Chubbies were a thing in 2013. And then they didn’t go away, continued to be a thing, and all the children born in 2014 onward had their eyes subjected to the fabric that like so many of the innocent babies before them. Think about the children. What have you been subjecting their eyes to for too long? The most visually unappealing part of the male body: the upper thigh.
This isn’t a sexist thing. European men have statistically more beautiful upper thighs than some female American supermodels because they’ve spent their whole lives in Speedos, catering to the needs of their upper thighs so that their legs don’t look like shriveled marshmallow fluff being squeezed out of a sleeping bag after being dragged through a dirty barber shop floor. Unless you’re willing to shave off the leg forest and give that area some sunlight, please don’t show it. What did regular-length shorts ever do to you anyway? Did they kill your father and enslave your mother?
Or was that regularly patterned shorts that harmed your family? After all, that is the only reason we could possibly understand why you would willingly dress as a clown who has cut off half of their uniform to provide kindling for a fire. Or a skier who had his clothing ripped off by an avalanche. Or someone who’s just too stupid to understand the concept of fleece as a heating fabric. Seriously, there is literally nothing more counterintuitive than walking outside on a hot summer day in cutoffs made from the warmest fabric you can find. And we know you’re not “wearing them ironically” like you so claim. It’s not ironic if they’re the focal point of your outfit around which you coordinate all other articles of clothing, including sunglasses and socks with marijuana leaves on them.
If after all of this you’re still thinking that Chubbies are okay and that this personal attack on a widely-sold fashion conglomerate item is what makes you a “unique individual,” let’s look at this from a different angle. Who normally wears Chubbies? Dads in their respectable button downs? Little girls on their way to gymnastics? No. It’s asshat 20 year olds trying to make argyle sweater vests a thing. It’s the guys who put “MILFs stay for free” signs on their balcony during move-in weekend. Maybe if you Chubbie enthusiasts weren’t an eyesore to society and a threat to all that is moral in our country in every single other aspect of your being, we might cut you a little slack for your cut offs.
Let’s take a short moment to remember the fashion faux pas we’ve committed in the past. Remember the chunky highlights of the early 2000s? Remember the tacky graphic tees of late 2000’s and the Kylie Jenner lip challenge of just last year? You may think, “Damn, that was a f*cking terrible idea. Glad that’s over, though I’m ashamed it happened in the first place.” Despite previous mistakes, for some godforsaken reason, you assholes continue to ignore the desperate pleas for change by your mothers for fear that your fashion choices will deny her the grandchildren she’s always wanted. Trust us, no girl gets a female chubby from looking at a guy in Chubbies. All we can do now is hope that statement resonates with you.
Eagerly awaiting your response,
Every single person in America with eyes (and if you don’t take action, daggers).