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An Open Letter To Netflix


Dear Netflix,


I know we’ve been together for, like, an entire semester now, but I really need to go back to the way life was before you. Last fall was great and all, but I don’t have time for everything this new chapter in my life has to offer. I mean, I’ve basically seen everything good you have to offer anyway.


Sorry to be so harsh, but I really have to get back into the swing of classes and get my GPA up. Med school isn’t going to care when I tell them my only work experience is in an office– well, watching The Office. I don’t have much time left at UVa and there are still a lot of things I need to cross off my bucket list. Parks & Rec and Making A Murderer cannot ruin my chances of completing the list. If I watch any more murder shows, I’m going to be too scared to stand in the dark early hours trying to get the number one ticket at Bodos. Plus, I need to be well rested to get up early enough for that.


Honestly, you’re just too controlling. I try to go to bed, but then you automatically start playing the next episode of Orange is the New Black. And then, like, you ask me if I’m “still watching” because you’re so attention-deprived that you have to keep checking to make sure I still like you. Well, NEWSFLASH, I don’t. It’s over.


I thought I was going to be sad writing this, but Thomas Jefferson didn’t need Netflix. I’m going to hit the books harder than ever this semester and still have time to make it to Survivor Hour at Bilt. I can hear you now—doubting me with your stupid notifications about a “new season.” Jokes on you, though. I’m deleting my account altogether. Miss Kathy once told me that she never watched a day of Netflix in her life. Now that’s a woman whose footsteps I want to follow in. She thought I was a butt-kicker before, but now she might even go as far to believe it herself.


I wish things didn’t have to be this way because you’ve brought me so much joy in the past. But at what price? I can’t go on living the life you choose for me. Telling me what to watch, when to watch it, and for how long. Enough is enough. This may sound cliché, but It’s not me. It’s you. No, that wasn’t a mistake. UGH you can’t even stop questioning me when I’m breaking up with you.


Whatever, I’m bored with you and my friends say I’m more fun without you. At least this semester I’ll get to have a life and get my GPA up from a 2.0 (which is obviously all your fault).


Nice knowin’ ya,

HOO-lu’s newest user.


P.S. Don’t try to get back with me. I’ve found a new man. Hulu and he said he’d wait for me until the summer.

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