This fall has brought a nation-wide epidemic affecting college students across the country. It’s not the common cold, mono, or even herpes, and most students won’t know that they’ve contracted it until it’s too late. This highly contagious disease is called Apathetic Transgressive Disorder, or Apathy.
“Every year, I see thousands of cases of Apathy – from one school alone,” says world-renowned Apathy Expert Dr. Naughtenstein. “It affects mostly sophomores and juniors, but all college students are at risk. Each year it affects more people, and with serious consequences – ninety-nine times out of one hundred, students who have contracted Apathy don’t realize that they have it until it’s too late. If not caught immediately, Apathy produces serious social consequences, and permanent damage to the affected student’s GPA due to the victim’s failure to perform even basic homework functions.”
Apathy was first discovered by pre-med student Alexander Dralk, who is himself a victim. He was aided in his discovery by his then-girlfriend Tina who yelled at him for being too apathetic, and then fell victim to Apathy as well. The now-Dr. Dralk realized that there must be some connection, and wrote his never-completed senior thesis on this epidemic. “Yeah, I just couldn’t finish it. So I’m also not like a real doctor, I just changed my name a year after I caught Apathy. Once I flunked out of med school, I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere anyway.”
When TBS reached out to Tina for comment on her part in Apathy’s discovery, she simply responded “cool,” and retreated back into her mom’s basement. The disease left her seriously extremeoverted at the anti-social end of the spectrum, which is why she broke up with Dr. Dralk who is on the overly-social end of the exteremeovert spectrum.
“Now that I have Apathy, my life is, like, so totally different,” Dr. Dralk told TBS. “I just really want to go out and party all the time, and I also want to sleep forever. Plus I can’t stop drinking beer. Except when I’m smokin’ weed. Fuck, I’m high right now! Plus I’m like, super tired, but I also wanna Netflix and chill you know what I’m sayin’?”
“These are common symptoms of Apathy,” added Dr. Naughtenstein, who helped interpret Tina and Dr. Dralk’s Apathetic mumblings. “We see a perfectly normal college student transformed into a lethargic, no-fucks-given extremeoverted (either extremely social or extremely anti-social) washout with little to no professional possibilities due to the lasting effects on their GPA. We also notice an increase in lethargy, alcohol consumption, and so-called ‘binge-watching’ of popular television shows.”
This is indeed evident in the cases of Dr. Dralk and Tina – before they became infected, they were well-performing students with GPAs above 3.0, but by the time that they graduated college, both of them had managed to earn negative GPAs – a phenomenon that’s been increasing exponentially since 1992.
“This year’s epidemic is the worst that we have ever seen,” said Tom Frieden – the head of the Center for Disease Control (CDC). “The numbers are already three times higher than last year, and we expect the number of incidences to increase with the coming of the first exams. We are urging all college students to be on guard this Apathy season. Remember, the disease is spread through contact with infected students, and can spontaneously generate at large social gatherings. We are advising all students to remain in safe areas: libraries, school buildings, and fitness centers are all locations which students infected with Apathy will avoid. If you believe that you or one of your friends may have contracted Apathy, do not wait but seek help immediately. Most permanently damaging cases of Apathy are due to a lack of proper action.”
Many schools have begun slowly moving students into the libraries and classrooms in an attempt to control the outbreak. The only known prevention is luck and proper action. Watch your backs, watch your fronts, and don’t watch Netflix.
Ever wonder why freshmen suck so hard? We figured it out: