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App Convinces College Student to ‘Calm the F*** Out and Chill’

This is a sponsored post in collaboration with Calm College

With midterms-that-seem-to-turn-into-finals season approaching, a 20+ hour course load, two jobs, and just enough time to go out, local freshman Andrew Gonzales has been “freaking the fuck out and not chilling” lately, sources close to Gonzales say, adding he’s probably never heard of the Calm College app.  

The full-time student and part-time panic-attack haver, Gonzales has been has been climbing a mountain of stress since school began a few weeks ago and doesn’t know if he’ll be able to make it through the semester without puking between classes out of fear of failing out of college.

“I’m worried about Alex,” said Tina Halberstam, a classmate of Gonzales. “Since I’ve known him, he’s developed narcolepsy, chewed his fingernails off, and eats only things bought from a vending machine that can be made in a microwave. He even started doing shots of coffee every hour to keep some type of semblance between his work and social life. Poor kid.”

Cases like Alex are not alone. A recent report shows that students across the country have been freaking the fuck out and not chilling, though a recent breakthrough from nerds who made an app to cure stress caused by college may have found the cure-all for college stress.

Calm College works with schools around the country to get students free guided meditation session, sleep stories, soothing nature sounds, daily calming sessions, and up-to-the-day new content designed for crazy college students across the country, some of whom feel way more calmed the fuck out and chilled since using Calm College.

So far, Harvard, Princeton, Northwestern, Cornell, Johns Hopkins, NYU and UPenn have launched Calm College, and 100 other colleges are currently in the onboarding process, meaning students around the country might be way more calmed the fuck out and chill soon enough.

As for Gonzales, who’s been able to use the Calm College app since his friends spoke out about his stress, he’s been able to return to a college life that is calmer, well-balanced, and not “definitely not filled with hours upon hours freaking the fuck out and not chilling.”

“Overcoming the crippling amount of stress that I masked with more work has fallen by the wayside since using Calm College,” Gonzales said. “Now, I can actually say I had five restful hours of sleep, an oven-baked meal, and normal interaction with another human being without lying about it.”

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