The feeling of your underwear sticking to your butt cheeks, your armpits chafing from the moisture on your hair, and your balls sticking to your thigh. You’re in Strong Hall.\
It’s no secret that strong hall is more humid than a southern woman’s cooch in the middle of August. The walls are basically dripping with condensation, and the floors pooling with the sweat of students and faculty. Any student who didn’t have the drive to take an AP math class in high school is forced into the hundred-year-old sauna. There’s no avoiding it. When it comes to the sweltering heat, there are two options. Option number one is to skip class until the winter months, fail out, and manage a Chick-Fil-A for forty-five years. Option two is to get creative.
As soon as you feel a hot flash coming on (not your mother’s hot flash, but the Strong-related kind), excuse yourself from class. Walk slowly—slowly is important so as not to wake your sweat glands—to the nearest restroom. It is advised that you not use the restroom on floor three across from Internal Audit unless you’ve had your Tetanus shot recently. Once you reach the restroom, find the largest stall. The handicap-accessible stalls are perfect—plenty of space, bars to hold onto.
After locking the door behind you, strip. It is advised that you leave your pants around your ankles, so in the event that someone walks in and sees you through the ever-so-wide gap between the door and stall wall, they’ll assume you’re shitting. Not hanging out naked in a public restroom.
Now that you’re naked, you can release all of your pent-up body heat. If you’re feeling especially adventurous, and you aren’t a germaphobe, sit on the toilet. Take a nap, read a magazine, update your resume. WARNING: If you’re an overly sweaty person, make sure to hold onto the rails before sitting down and accidentally doing the one-cheek slide into the toilet.
Use the free toilet paper to your advantage by dabbing your forehead free of sweat. Be sure not to wipe your forehead with toilet paper, unless you want to lose a layer of skin. As your butthole knows, campus toilet paper is unforgiving.
After you’ve cooled down, and realized how well this method works, recommend it to all of your friends. Blog about it. Tell your professor. Plan a trip to the bathroom with your significant other. Once everyone starts leaving class to hang out naked in the bathroom, maybe they’ll fix the fucking air conditioning. But we can only hope, can’t we?